The parents' guide to being sophisticated enough for your worldly daughter who's back home from university

YOUR daughter has finally deigned to come home for the weekend, only to act too good for spaghetti hoops in front of The Chase. Here’s how to impress her: 

Ask her to remove her shoes

The most urbane hosts know it is unseemly to wear one’s outdoor shoes in the house. Granted, you may not have wall-to-wall white carpets but the respect you show that cheap laminate floor should create an air of refinement anyway. Maybe install a proper rack where the ‘shoe pile’ happily resided for the 18 years before your daughter decided rooting through it every morning was beneath her.

Know your coffee 

In her southern university town there’s a café for every two students, vastly exceeding the amount of accommodation available. Ordering a ‘milky coffee’ in the local greasy spoon will no longer pass muster. Try taking her somewhere with an exposed wall feature, like the garden centre. She’ll turn her nose up but it’s genuinely the fanciest place your small town has to offer.

Brush up on your general knowledge 

After two months at the University of Reading, your daughter believes her education to be far superior to yours. No need to go too in-depth, but perhaps you could pre-watch an episode of University Challenge and floor your daughter with a well-timed answer about classical music or the history of Latin America. She’ll tut and roll her eyes, but you’ll still feel clever.

Spruce up your meals 

Now she has been exposed to all the culinary delights on offer in a cosmopolitan place like Bangor, hoops on toast will no longer be good enough, so throw some sprigs of rosemary in the mash or add a glug of wine to the Bisto. Though she might not admit it, anything you make her is going to be better than a takeaway sushi platter on its fourth unrefrigerated day in her halls kitchen.

Take her somewhere culturally enriching 

After experiencing the intellectual excitement of a student production of A Streetcar Named Desire, your daughter will have a high bar when it comes to cultural activities. Why not take her to see the local am-dram group honking and shimmying their way through Mamma Mia at the town hall? At the very least it might be so bad that she’ll crack a smile for once.

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If City win let's just call the season there, football fans agree

FANS of Premier League clubs have agreed that if Manchester City win today’s match against Liverpool they may as well just call the whole season for them.

Tired of watching the Qatar-backed club steamroller all opposition on their inevitable route to another title, fans are unwilling to put up with six months of dead rubbers just to see Pep Guardiola hoist a cup.

Aston Villa fan Joe Turner said: “If Liverpool get something tomorrow, it could be on. I mean it probably isn’t, but it would at least be fun to pretend.

“But if City win and they go three to five points clear, do we really have to go through the farce of pretending they won’t just run away with it yet again? For whose benefit? City fans?

“It’s like when I flicked off Taken 3 after the second ad-break: we all know where this is going, it won’t be as interesting as the first time, the washing-up needs doing. Why bother sitting through it?

“We’re happy to call the league as it stands. Bottom three go down, whoever’s in the top four goes to Europe, the rest of us get a nice rest. Saves us all the trouble.”

He added: “Well done City etcetera. Even you know you’ll be happier when you’re shit again.”