'Chance of a shag' vs 'I hope he's romantic': First date aspirations by gender

GOING on a first date? Here’s what you’ll be hoping to get out of it depending on your sex.

‘I hope he’s romantic’

Could he be the one? You yearn to be treated like a lady by a proper hearts-and-flowers type of guy. Not looking to rush into sex, but willing to wait and woo you like you’re in an episode of Downtown Abbey. On the other hand, you don’t want him to be some freaky creep who’ll cling to you like a limpet and whip out an engagement ring within a fortnight. Just someone nice and normal. Is it really too much to ask?

‘There’d better be a chance of a shag’

Though you’d claim otherwise if asked, you’re mainly meeting this woman because there’s a chance you might get some sex. That’s what dating is all about, right? However, you don’t want someone who has slept with half the town, just in case there’s a spark and you want to take her home to your mum. Virginal yet experienced would be ideal.

‘I hope I’ve got my outfit right’

Not so tarty that you look like you’re gagging for it, but not so frumpy he’s put off because you dress like his auntie. Blouse slightly open but not too revealing. Skirt just above the knees but no shorter. You want him to be attracted to you, but not think you’ll put out on the first date, even though you might, if he’s not a massive dickhead. God, this is exhausting.

‘Is she looking at my bald spot?’

While women worry about the overall picture in terms of how they look, men concentrate on the details. Can she tell you’re thinning on top? Does she think a signet ring is naff? Has she noticed that you’re two inches shorter than you claimed to be on Tinder? It doesn’t really matter, though, because you not being a total wanker is what she’s mainly looking for, and that will go a long way in terms of excusing the bucket hat you’ve inexplicably chosen to wear today.

‘Will he be a gentleman and offer to pay?’

You don’t expect men to pay, but you like it if they offer. You also like it if they don’t grab the card reader and insist they’ve got it when you suggest going halves. You’ve found men who do that tend to expect something in return, and there’s nothing less of a turn on than a bloke who thinks you’ll be impressed because you’ve seen his Club Lloyds Silver Account card.

‘We’re going halves if she’s not up for it’

No sense in spending money on her if she’s not up for a first date consummation. You’re missing the football for this, and she’d better appreciate the sacrifice. Best weigh up the situation and only offer to do the gentlemanly thing if you’re definitely going to get your end away. And given that this is the way that your mind works, you’ll be lucky if you get so much as a polite handshake.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Dad's phone torch on again

A DAD has left his phone torch on again, it has been confirmed.

Steve Malley, aged 57, has accidentally and unknowingly turned it on and now a bright light is blazing out from the shirt pocket where he subsequently placed it.

Son Josh Malley said: “I’ve repeatedly told him to either disable the torch setting or handle the phone by its edges, but time and again his big-toe-sized thumb switches it on.

“And because he’s a dad he keeps it in the pocket of his shirt, which he already knows is stupid. Just ask him how many phones have gone down the toilet because he bends over to flush and it slips out.

“The torch thing is puzzling though, because when he attempts to use it for its intended purpose it takes him multiple attempts at pressing the icon correctly. And then it will immediately run out of battery because it’s been on all day in his pocket. The man is infuriating.”

Steve Malley said: “For some reason it always turns itself on full beam when I’m not looking. Maybe the bulb’s on the blink. I might have a spare in the garage from the Christmas tree lights. It can’t be that fiddly to open up an iPhone, can it?”