How to enjoy the last weekend not f**ked by Christmas

BY next weekend, every spare moment will be consumed by festive duties. Here’s how to enjoy your last bit of free time unbesmirched by Christmas.

Savour a peaceful walk through town

Currently you can stroll through your town centre with relatively minimal bustling. That won’t last. As Christmas approaches, the streets will be filled with market stalls selling shit nobody wants, and dawdling shoppers clogging up the pavement. You’re better off staying at home until January, so make the most of this final amble.

Gaze adoringly at your bank balance

God, would you just look at it. It’s just about in the black, and it’s even in double digits. You’ve worked really hard all year to get it into this condition, so you deserve a last, loving look before it plunges back down to minus a couple of grand. And that’s before you even factor in all the credit card debt you will undoubtedly accrue.

Bid your belt a fond farewell

You’ve had some good times this year, you and your belt. But like all good things, your time together has come to an end. You’re already filling out with mince pies, and things are only going to get more gluttonous the closer you get to the big day. Kiss it goodbye as you gently lay it into hibernation. You won’t see it again until April at the very earliest.

Take one last look at your tidy home

While not necessarily immaculate, your home is in pretty good order. The dirty dishes are sort of neatly piled up near the sink, and the floors are not strewn with scraps of wrapping paper and pine needles. This will all change in December, as you will be pressured into filling your home with pointless decorations, presents and people. Roll on the punishing misery of January.

Relish not having to go anywhere or do anything

What do people get up to in the last weekend of November? A sweet, glorious f**k all. This is the calm before the storm of Christmas, where you will be forced to shop and wrap and endure in-laws, so savour it. Nobody would even blame you if you stayed in bed for 48 hours scrolling through your phone. You’re going to need to save your energy for the next few stressful weeks.

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Long eyebrow hairs, and other ways the male body gets sexier and sexier with age

MEN tend to start off gorgeous and like fine wines only get better with age. Here are just five ways the male body basically turns all blokes into George Clooney eventually. 

Long eyebrow hairs

Hair growing in odd places is just part of a man’s transformation from caterpillar to butterfly. Their hands steadily turn into the manly paws of a werewolf, and straggling nose hairs are interesting to look at while you’re talking to them. But it’s long, wild eyebrow hairs which really prove a man is approaching his sexual peak. You’ll look like the crazy professor in a disaster movie banging on about all human life being wiped out, and that’s incredibly sexy.

Beer gut

Older men are no slouches when it comes to exercise: there’s tending their allotment, squeezing into full lycra for bike rides like they’re in the Tour de f**king France; and walking to the pub to drink eight pints of Carling. By sticking to this last fitness regime, most men develop a prominent – and deeply appealing – beer gut. The great thing is it’s then impossible to shift, which is only fair after you’ve put the hours in.


Take that strong, sculptured jawline and bin it. Where it’s really at is flabby jowls which grow over time. Like counting the age of a majestic oak by its rings, you can tell how much life experience a man has by the number of chins on his face. As for them slowly wobbling during sex – that’s just poetry in motion, like the slow-mo bits in Chariots of Fire.

Male pattern baldness

Born with a thick thatch of manly hair? You poor bastard. What truly makes a man into an unstoppable f**k train is losing their hair in a random pattern over a number of decades. A monk’s patch at the back? Trendy. A receding bonce from the front? Sexual dynamite. As men love to point out, they’re only going bald because they have too much testosterone, which is why bald coots feel sorry for their younger, hairy love rivals. 

Indescribable genitals

While no one could ever describe a cock and balls as ‘beautiful’, older ones have a wonderful ‘lived in’ charm to them. The various genitals all droop casually, a lot like Bagpuss, and everyone loves Bagpuss. Also the grey pubes give them a distinctly distinguished air, like having a miniature Blake Carrington in your Y-fronts, and he was a babe magnet in Dynasty, which your remember clearly because you are quite f**king old.