Man who pretended to like obscure music to look cool stuck with it forever

A MAN who stood out for enjoying obscure, challenging music is now unable to back down and just listen to ABBA.

Tom Logan, aged 38, began being more into cool, alternative bands than anyone else when he was a student and now has a whole vinyl library of unlistenable shit to feign appreciation of.

He said: “I went to university, I put a Sleater-Kinney poster on my wall so the boys would think I was cool and the girls would fancy me, it worked and it’s been hell ever since.

“Once you’re friends with the music nerds you always have to go one better. When they thought In Rainbows was amazing, I had to dismiss it as mainstream and try to get them into hypnagogic pop.

“Fast-forward 15 miserable years and my wedding song was by Mountain Goats, I only get to see old friends if I meet them for a Black Midi gig, and I’m trapped in pretending I love The Fall.

“If only I could admit that I hate all the music I profess to enjoy, whack on Dancing Queen and dance around the kitchen singing along like a normal, tasteless, happy human being.”

Friend Lauren Hewitt said: “Everyone knows Tom yearns to listen to Taylor Swift, but we won’t let him off the hook. We’ve suffered his pretentious shite for years. He deserves this.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Seven things you did in the 80s that would give your woke kids a coronary

THE 1980s were not an enlightened time despite all our concerts for Nelson Mandela. These commonplace actions would sicken and horrify today’s teens: 

Referring to ‘gender benders’ 

Boy George – yes, him who’s in the jungle – was an androgynous, ethereal beauty, so naturally the tabloids called him a ‘gender bender’ and the public followed suit. Less embarrassing than your dad saying ‘You can’t tell if they’re men or women’, which screams ‘I would f**k him’.

Considering Page 3 totally normal

What goes well with your morning fag on the top deck of the bus to work? A 16-year-old Sam Fox’s knockers. Youngsters today would find it deeply strange if you whipped out a picture of breasts in incredibly mundane situations. It’s like watching Pornhub while you’re painting the skirting boards.


By law, state schools these days have an anti-bullying policy. The only bullying policy four decades ago was a mandatory kick in the nuts. You took part in milder bullying yourself, just hurling rocks at someone or stabbing them with a compass, nothing serious.

Loving The Two Ronnies

It speaks volumes about the The Two Ronnies that children loved it. A dizzying storm of tit jokes, woman getting spanked and serial The Worm That Turned about a nightmare world ruled by feminists was adored by 80s kids. Any 14-year-old today would say ‘How could you laugh at this?’ which is a bloody good question on all levels.

Fearing gay men

‘Poof’ was practically a compliment compared to ‘arse bandit’, ‘shirt-lifter’ and the warning ‘Don’t bend over’. Living in constant fear of anal violation would make a young person today, entirely comfortable with their homosexuality, think you were clinically paranoid or Eminem.

Grim sexism

Not the suave, ironic FHM sexism of the 90s, but stuff you’d hear conversationally that now sounds like a quote from Fred West. ‘I’d be up that like a rat up a drainpipe’, ‘I’ve been through her’, etc. You nodded in agreement back then, but such top bantz is now rightly reserved for the WhatsApp groups of the Metropolitan Police.

Joey Deacon

If you know, you know.