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Man wishing cinemas still showed porn now they have IMAX

A MAN is disappointed that there are no longer cinemas showing porn as it would look brilliant in IMAX.

Stephen Malley is upset that in an age of cinema screens approximately the same size as tennis courts, there are no movie theatres that allow paying perverts to watch hardcore shagging.

Malley said: “People keep going on about how cinemas are struggling to stay in business due to low attendance. Well, I’ve got a solution for you: massive tits.

“Yes, staying at home and watching porn on your phone, or, if you don’t have to hide it from your partner, a 40-inch TV screen, is convenient. But it just doesn’t offer the kind of immersive experience that seeing a 12-metre-high vagina would.

“If these cinemas had any sense they’d stop showing shitty Marvel movies and put classics like The Opening of Misty Beethoven on instead. Imagine watching that on IMAX. Though I must admit seeing a dong the size of a double-decker bus might be a bit intimidating.”

Nikki Hollis, who manages an IMAX cinema in Manchester, said: “Cinemagoers make enough of a disgusting mess with popcorn and Coca-Cola. I don’t want to introduce bodily fluids into the mix.”

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'I'll come, and I'll bring my mental dog,' says friend

A FRIEND has invited himself and, more importantly, his absolutely mental dog on the outdoor excursion you have planned this weekend.

Your stroll along a section of the Pennine Way, enjoying the views and stopping in a couple of pubs for a pint by the fire, will now be accompanied by a beserk dog leaping and barking at everyone it sees while you feel obliged to apologise.

Your friend Nathan, owner of the deranged King Charles Spaniel-Welsh Collie cross that should never have been born, said: “Well a walk’s not a walk without a dog.

“Yes, Pepper does have a number of behavioural issues, but we’ve been working on them. I give her treats randomly and confusingly so she never knows what’s going on. It’s working so far.

“She’ll be straining at the lead throughout and going for other dogs in a frenzy while I chuckle indulgently and say ‘She’s a bit antisocial!’ Though she won’t always be on the lead. I’m planning to experiment with letting her run free right through a field of sheep.

“And don’t worry, she’s fine in the pub. As long as nobody moves suddenly, laughs loudly, walks near her or has children, she’ll be good as gold.”

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