Middle-aged British men's fragile masculinity bought by Amazon

THE sole remaining outlet for masculine aspiration available to middle-aged men in the UK has been bought by a US tech giant.

James Bond, who is all an entire generation has left, has passed out of the hands of the Broccoli family who have done so much to nurse aging erections over the years and is now entirely owned by Amazon.

Nathan Muir of Hitchen said: “Careful. That’s my genitals there in your clumsy robot hands.

“I’m 52, a chief buyer for a supermarket chain, overweight, balding and knackered. James Bond is all I have left of manhood, the one area I’m not completely emasculated. Because you already took Clarkson and made him into a f**king farmer.”

Joe Turner of Oxford urged: “Be gentle. Don’t do prequels with young Bond or two movies a year or change Alexa’s name to Moneypenny for a stunt. Just choose a new actor – British, white, I can pretend to be him – and make a new one.

“He needs to wear a tux, kill the baddie with a quip, shag the girl on a big Union Jack bed in during the Royal Variety Performance and pump life back into my flagging old member one last time. Please don’t make him American.”

Jeff Bezos said: “We’ve got a brilliant idea. We’re making him American.”

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Nan knew how to use internet all along, discover betrayed family

A CONNIVING grandma has been able to use the internet since 2004 and just wanted an occasional visit, her cheated family have learned.   

Margaret Gerving has been running the scam, involving bi-weekly phone calls which force her children and grandchildren to come round and reset the ‘box thingy’, for the last 20 years. The truth came out when she was spotted flawlessly tweaking her mouse sensitivity settings.

Gerving said: “I keep an iPhone 16 Pro Max in my bedroom drawer. And you think that biscuit tin contains a sewing kit? Nope, it’s a Galaxy Tab S10 Ultra with one terabyte of RAM.

“I know it’s wrong to get the kids over under false pretences, but there’s no way I would be getting more than a birthday and a Christmas out of those arseholes otherwise.”

Her daughter Kelly Howard has expressed resentment at the con, noting that she had been suspicious of the regularity with which her mum’s computer seemed to ‘go all hot’ every fortnight.

“I had my doubts, but Mum seemed genuinely clueless. Like, couldn’t-find-the-on-button clueless. I wasn’t about to let her piss away my inheritance on a scam. Now I’m not entirely convinced she wasn’t at Bletchley Park.”

The family have suspended their visits as punishment until Gerving issues a full apology and helps them to install a dodgy box for their TV.