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Middle-class rebel teens all definitely down for Kneecap at Glastonbury

KNEECAP’S performance at Glastonbury will be so middle-class it could be mistaken for a John Lewis sale, organisers have warned.

The controversial Irish rap act, one of whom was yesterday charged with terror offences, have been designated a must-see by A-level students with excellent teeth wearing £250 hoodies.

Grace Wood-Morris said: “Brat summer is so 2024. The only act to swing your Stanley cup to this year is Kneecap.

“I haven’t seen the film, nor have I heard the music because I’m actually very busy revising right now yeah?, but I have seen items about them on the BBC that made my mother purse her lips so it’s a serious must.

“They rap about the Troubles, which as a Derry Girls superfan I know all about, and wear balaclavas of the Irish flag which is actually banned and that’s wrong? Oh? It’s not banned? Yeah I dropped politics for media studies.

“We’re squadding up at the West Holts for a coruscating political performance that’s an act of defiance against the white colonialist establishment, and I’m filming it for TikTok? I think this might finally be what frees Palestine.

“Then we’ll go back to the RV Will’s dad’s hired. I can’t camp, I suffer from frizzy hair.”

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No one knows if' 'you look well' means 'good' or 'fat'

NOBODY knows whether saying ‘you look well’ means the recipient is very attractive or a bit chubby, it has emerged.

Despite seeming like a compliment, the ambiguous nature of the phrase when uttered by a British person suggests that it most likely is not.

Linguist Dr Joanna Kramer said: “Coming from the mouth of a person of a less petulant and snide nationality, ‘you look well’ would be a compliment kindly meant and gratefully received.

“But in the UK, intended meanings can range from ‘you look fantastic but I’m too bitter to say that and/or fear looking creepy’ to ‘your arse is so big it could have a harpoon in it and it would look like a toothpick’.

“We believe the origins of the phrase come from an era when wellness was associated with fatness because being overweight signalled wealth. However, that was around the time of Henry VIII and we don’t still congratulate people on their velvet pantaloons and not being in the advanced stages of syphilis. Well, except maybe in Shoreditch.

“Really, a lot depends on whether the person giving the compliment looks you up and down first and is a bitchy 35-year-old woman.”

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