Most people wondering why Batman would possibly be against Superman

THE title of the film Batman v Superman makes absolutely no sense to most people, it has been confirmed.

As the DC Comics blockbuster is released, members of the public admitted they are confused but also suspicious that the plot of the film may not be very good.

Jane Thompson, from Peterborough, said: “They’re both superheroes sworn to protect the public, so why would they be on different sides? And are we supposed to prefer one to the other?

“This seems to have come out of nowhere.”

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, added: “Have I missed something? Is this a totally new Batman? Is he now a bad guy who dresses up as a bat?

“There is a female villain who dresses up as a cat and a bad guy who dresses up as a penguin, so I suppose it is entirely feasible. And yet it does seem unlikely.”

Once the film’s plot was explained to her, Thompson said: “That sounds like a lot of bollocks.”

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Ask Holly: Where can I buy a bandeau mini-cassock?

Dear Holly,

I’m dead chuffed that I’ve been voted the most liked world leader by all the people, even those miserable atheist gits. But I can’t help but feel I need to set my sights higher and go for Rear of the Year. Surely to God I can beat that skinny ass Daniel Radcliffe to the top spot. Do you know where I could purchase a bandeau mini-cassock in the style of Carol Vorderman? TopShop, maybe?


Vatican City

Dear Francis,

Atheism isn’t a wise choice if you are a schoolkid. Atheists deny the existence of Santa and the Easter bunny and all of the stuff that means you get presents and chocolate and time off school, so unless you are a total weirdo it stands to reason that God exists. The plus side of atheism is that you don’t have to watch Songs of Praise with your granny who smells of wee, but that is a small price to pay for being able to stuff your face with seasonal confectionery several times a year. 

Hope that helps