FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women Hostile to Corbyn 2016 leaked

THE annual list of the 100 Sexiest Women on Jeremy Corbyn’s ‘hostile group’ list has been leaked to the media. 

The list, which rates women on their attractiveness, number of naked photoshoots and backing of Dan Jarvis’s leadership bid, had a few surprises.

FHM editor Tom Logan said: “The big shock is seeing Rosie Huntington-Whiteley leap 61 places into the top ten, presumably because of her smoking-hot performance in Mad Max: Fury Road and her support for Trident.

“Meanwhile Ariana Grande, last year’s number six, has dropped out of the top 100 into Corbyn’s core group plus after assaulting capitalism by licking a donut while saying she hates America.”

Reader Wayne Hayes said: “Emily Ratajkowski’s gorgeous but only core group negative, meaning she’s prepared to serve in the shadow cabinet if necessary. That revolts me.

“Kate Upton, however, is full-on hostile and would knife Corbyn in the back in a second, even if it destroyed her political career.”

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ISIS issues tired, idiotic cliches

ISIS has tried and failed to issue a scary-sounding statement.

The terrorist organisation warned of ‘dark days’ for the ‘crusaders’, making everyone wonder if it was written by 14-year-old boy.

Security expert Norman Steele said: “Based on the doomy cliches that pepper their public announcements, I think it’s fair to say that ISIS read a lot of heavy metal album sleeve notes.

“Some of the things they come out with are lyrics copied directly from Iron Maiden songs, altered slightly to add an absurd sense of self-justification. It’s the sort of thing small boys are into when they’re at that stage of trying to act hard.”

One ISIS supporter posted online: “We are the bringers of darkness – fear us.”

Steele responded: “That sounds like the cover blurb of a James Herbert book about killer owls.”