Mrs Brown's Boys and five other shit things which will survive the End of Days

IT’S no great leap of imagination to picture us all going to hell in a handcart soon. Which linchpins of modern society will still be going strong after the apocalypse?

Quorn chicken-style nuggets

Capable of surviving at the back of your fridge for decades, this seemingly immortal foodstuff could end up as a currency more valuable than gold, or a handy building material for survivors banding together in the smoking ruins of 21st century Earth.

Nigel Farage

Despite promising to go away on a regular basis, Nigel Farage always pops back up with a new thing to have a stupid opinion on. No doubt he’ll still be around after Armageddon, clutching a warm pint of radioactive bitter and blaming it all on foreigners.

WHSmith

Whilst every other shop on the high street falls victim to the internet and general economic catastrophe, WHSmith will somehow keep going. It’s where cockroaches will be purchasing ring binders and file pockets after civilisation has fallen.

Mrs Brown’s Boys

As a lack of humour is no barrier to its perpetual scheduling and commissioning, so the lack of an audience post-apocalypse will be no barrier to further series of the popular prime time ratings smash being made, knowing our f**king luck.

Twitter

After the end of the world Twitter will somehow still be running. You’ll still be subjected to misogynistic hate-tweets, tedious celebrity spats and unfunny memes, just to make your existence that bit worse as you attempt to make a meal out of a handful of scorched grass and a dead squirrel.

 

 

Five good things Brexit has already given me as a Leaver

by Roy Hobbs

IT looks like we’re just hours away from crashing out of the EU without a deal and finally getting our country back. Here are some of the wonderful benefits we’ve already had from Brexit.

The bitter tears of Remainers

There’s nothing I enjoy more than lording it over loser Remainers. Although, weirdly, I’m still full of toxic anger that hasn’t dissipated despite me being the winner. Still, I’m sure it’s nothing shouting incoherently about immigrants can’t sort out.

Names to call people who disagree with me

Before Brexit, if someone didn’t agree with me I’d just call them a poofter. Now I have a smorgasbord of insults to dole out, including snowflake, libtard and loony lefty. However, they’re not allowed to call me a gammon because it hurts my feelings.

A nice, warm feeling of sovereignty

I’ve got no idea what sovereignty is, but I know it’s good because Nigel Farage said so. My Remainer son says it’ll do us no good because you can’t eat sovereignty, but I don’t think he knows what it is either. It might be a type of pie.

An excuse to be publicly awful about foreigners

For years I had to put up with only being able to slag off people from other countries within the confines of my own home. Now I can do it willy nilly in public and it’s fine. The only people who don’t like it are Remainers, and they’re traitors anyway.

Being recognised as an oppressed minority

Before Brexit, white, middle-aged men like me were a minority in our own country, oppressed by women and foreigners at every turn. Now we finally have a voice and can be found braying crap on every news channel and radio station available.