Music 'best enjoyed indoors'

THE UK’s festival industry is reeling from a new study which concludes that music listeners reach the peaks of aural pleasure when warm and dry.

The revelation follows a weekend of Somme-like conditions at UK festivals, which saw families at a boutique event in Kent trapped in a folk tent and forced to listen to public school girls singing about forests until emergency services could cut through the canvas.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies played 1,000 people music in a range of environments, from leather armchairs to a disused battery-chicken shed full of corpses and slurry, designed to simulate the dance tent at any large festival.

They found that bands sound better pre-recorded, that being drenched and knee-deep in faeces detracts from the overall listening experience, and that not being able to see anyone in a ‘funky hat’ releases a flood of dopamine into the brain.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Being at home on your own sofa drinking gin and tonic from an actual glass is more conducive to enjoying music than being shoved around by brain-dead bikers in a massive ditch.

“The advantages of seeing a band live, for example an extended guitar solo, are usually outweighed by the disadvantages, for example an extended drum solo.”

Festival organisers have subsequently announced that all festivals will be cancelled and have pledged funding to help victims of outdoor music.

Plasterer Tom Booker said: “I went to T In The Park to see the Kaiser Chiefs, who were doing one of those nostalgia tours where they play their classic song I Predict A Riot in full, and it was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life.

“I still get flashbacks and I’ll be in therapy for the next ten years. But, thank God, at least nobody else will have to see the horrors I’ve seen.”



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Government to spend £9 billion making trains even worse

THE government has unveiled a package of annoying bullshit designed to make Britain’s rail system the most painful in the world.

The new irritations, designed to emphasise existing flaws, will be coupled with price rises to make a standard return from Leeds to London twice as expensive as Katie Price’s wedding.

David Cameron said: “We are already forcing weekend rail users onto replacement buses with drivers that have seemingly just woken from a coma, and delaying crowded trains so that perverts can frot themselves against fellow passengers.

“But with this extra push we can achieve badness on a global scale.”

The £9 billion will be broken down as follows:

  • £750m to create new high-tech buffet cars which will sell two kinds of sandwich, both tasting of verukas
  • £2bn electrifying trains from the Welsh valleys which will humanely kill anyone trying to escape the region
  • £1.3m to remove 75 per cent of seating from First Class to stop businessmen with MacBooks from worrying they might have to share a table
  • £1bn on subsidising sales of giant bars of chocolate that are permanently on offer at WH Smiths in train stations
  • £840m doubling the number of comatose squaddies on trains from Scotland
  • £1bn to put a crumpled, grease-stained copy of Metro on every seat.

The remaining £2.1bn is an executive bonus pot, to be paid when the first passenger daubs ‘Help Me’ on the inside of a carriage with their own bodily fluids.

Transport secretary Caroline Greening said: “This investment is key if we want to develop a rail system for the 21st century that, due to a train driver being stranded in Rugby, won’t arrive until the 22nd century.”