Nation's dads to hold headlight-lit vigil for Top Gear

BRITAIN’S dads will be gathering silently in their cars and switching on their headlights in honour of Top Gear, they have confirmed.

After the show was cancelled due to health and safety concerns following a serious crash involving Freddie Flintoff, the nation’s fathers are coming together to mourn their tragic loss.

Stephen Malley, 51, said: “I can’t believe it. You think a lighthearted motoring show is going to be with you forever, and suddenly it’s just gone.

“Of course there’ve been ups and downs, like any relationship. It can’t always be classic Clarkson. Sometimes you have a phase of the Matt LeBlancs or, when things are really bad, a woman.

“But we’ve always come through it. Until now, when our hearts have been torn asunder, just because a couple of people were in life-threatening accidents. And maybe also because the viewing figures have tanked.

“This evening we’ll be solemnly driving our cars to patches of waste ground, doing a few respectful doughnuts, and then switching on our headlamps in honour of our beloved show.

“Then we’ll go home via Halfords because they’re open until 8pm and have got a deal on screenwash. It’s what The Stig would have wanted.”

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Six people who are far, far too into Christmas already

HATING Christmas is going too far, even this early, but loving it as much as these psychopaths do comes close to pushing you over the line: 

The one with multiple advent calendars

Advent calendars already become redundant by around December 19th, when nobody gives a shit any longer and it’s open season on chocolates and alcohol. This twat’s so buzzed for the season she’s got a Heroes and a Lindor calendar forming a garish confectionery-dispensing wall on her desk and she’s counting down to the countdown.

The one with the huge electricity bill

Adorned with light-up Santas, mini trains, and some f**ked-up freaky things that are apparently elves, this arsehole’s garden has the carbon footprint of North Korea. The display is up and ready for the big switch-on and will be powered day and night to dazzle local wildlife into dashing under cars.

The one who mulls everything

Mulled wine is calming and grown-up once you’ve fished out all the f**king fruit. But nobody asked for mulled cider or mulled gin. They’re for getting pissed. However, this wanker’s brain was replaced with cinnamon sticks long ago. Visit their home and you’ll find Christmas spices even in their toilet.

The one with a full Christmas wardrobe

Ownership of a Christmas jumper is now mandatory. But this festive f**ker has Christmas leggings, loafers, leotards, and hats. With enough obnoxious Christmas clothing to last them every day of the year, even their socks sing carols. You comfort yourself by imagining how much the second of January hurts them.

The one who won’t stop baking

A fresh-baked mince pie? Why not? Seasonal brownie? Don’t mind if I do! Wait, do you ever stop baking? Are you the witch from Hansel and Gretel,  brutally churning out gingerbread just like Saruman created orcs? There is only so much dried fruit a person can take before longing for the simple fresh flavours of summer.

The ones who think their dog knows about Christmas

He’s got the same snowman pyjamas as them. He’s got presents hidden away. These bellends talk about making memories for him, forgetting he’s a canine who couldn’t give a shit that there is now a tree inside as well as out. Even the rip-off £20 doggy mince pie that will turn out to be just spam in pastry hasn’t disturbed their delusions.