New Bond novel just string of sexual harassment suits

NEW James Bond book Trigger Mortis sees the ageing spy in court for more than 22 cases of sexual harassment in the workplace.

The 15th Bond novel, written by Anthony Horowitz, sees the Secret Service agent placed on gardening leave while facing his most dangerous foe yet, a lawyer suing him on behalf of the victims he labelled ‘Bond girls’.

Horowitz said: “The book shows us the real Bond: a civil servant who rolls up to the office half-pissed, grabs the buttocks of whichever luckless woman he sees first and gives her a ridiculous nickname like Kissy Suzuki or Xenia Onatopp.

“For some reason he thinks saying his name one-and-a-half times, dropping a leering innuendo and being fussy about his drink order is a sophisticated seduction.

“Then he staggers out for lunch, claims he’s had an exotic adventure in order to claim expenses, and tells everyone he’s shagged the women in question loads of times and they loved it.”

Bond’s chief enemy in the novel is a woman named Polly Gardener, who tells the court “though the defendant refused to refer to me by any name but ‘Pussy Galore’.

“I am, and have always been, a Sheffield-based facilities manager who is married with three children, despite the defendant’s delusion that I am a lesbian running a gang of acrobatic cat burglars.”

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New lifestyle magazine aimed at men who shun material possessions

NEW magazine Men’s Ascetic is focused on the niche market of men who reject worldly goods and pleasures for a more spiritual path.

The publication hopes to capture the demographic of men, aged between 18 and 65, who have turned away from the blandishments of women and big watches to walk the earth unfettered by possessions.

Publisher Tom Logan said: “If you like to spend more than £300 on jeans there are countless magazines out there for you, but if you like to spend 10-12 hours a day meditating there’s nothing.

Men’s Ascetic is aimed at the monks, the wandering kung fu experts, the mystical gurus and the lifelong celibates whose physical forms are mere shells, but who still like something to read on the toilet.”

The latest issue has features on the illusion of time, Europe’s 16 best places to avoid meeting the gaze of a woman and the emptiness of magazine features only designed to keep us from contemplating death.

But hermit Joseph Turner complained: “We’re on the third issue and they’ve already had Buddha on the cover twice. Not everyone can have a figure like his.

“Unfortunately, living in a moutaintop subsisting on edible roots and lugging rocks around for a crude shelter has given me absolutely incredible abs.”