Jail term for spinning really fast on office chair

PEOPLE who use a swivel chair to make themselves dizzy face up to three years in prison.

The Psychoactive Substances Bill, announced in the Queen’s Speech, also bans hanging upside down off a bed until your head goes funny, pushing your knuckles into your eyelids to create a psychedelic lightshow and fevers above 39 degrees centigrade.

Home secretary Theresa May said: “Maybe you and your so-called friends think it’s funny to spin around on a chair and then stagger across the office like a moron before collapsing headfirst into a really expensive printer and breaking your nose and losing three of your teeth.

“But all you’re doing is setting yourself up for a life of heroin and really manky toilets and no job and therefore no office chair to spin around on like a total maniac.

“You probably think I’m a killjoy but I speak from experience. I tried to spin on my office chair once but I absolutely whacked my knee on the desk. Not only did it hurt like a bastard, it changed me. I hate everyone now.”

May also said that anyone lying on their arm until it goes dead then using it to pretend someone else is touching their genitals will be classed as a sex offender.

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Professional football sickened by FIFA’s culture of greed

THE world of professional football has expressed its outrage at the ‘sickening’ greed of FIFA officials.

Players and managers said football was about perfecting a beautiful game and to pursue money so crudely was extremely distasteful.

Wayne Rooney, who is paid £50 per match plus his bus fare at Manchester United, said: “I train every day and then go home to my little terraced house, meanwhile these FIFA guys are buying huge mansions.

“They’re driving around in Bentleys while me and my wife Coleen look through the Littlewoods catalogue at all the things we would like to buy one day. Sometimes life is a struggle, but overall we’re very happy.”

Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo added: “Playing football is a great way to unwind after spending all week working on my uncle’s fishing boat. FIFA has lost touch with the simple life of the ordinary man.

“Of course it would be nice to be paid a bit more by Real Madrid, but I’m not complaining because I make enough money from gutting sardines. I now have a small flat and a moped.”

Chelsea manager and part-time coffee shop barista, Jose Mourinho, said: “I met one of these FIFA guys once. He was really flaunting his wealth to the point where I did start to get a bit jealous.

“But then I went back to my room at the Holiday Inn Express, opened a packet of complimentary shortbread and realised I was the luckiest man in the world.”