Labour hopefuls face sandwich-off

LABOUR’S leadership candidates will be tested on their ability to eat some chewy meat between two slices of bread.

Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper, Liz Kendall and Mary Creagh will be each presented with bacon sandwiches and given 90 seconds to eat them while being filmed from 18 different angles.

National executive committee Angela Eagle said: “The bacon sandwich is the only thing that matters to British people, so we’ve got to get this right.

“Yvette Cooper’s a nibbler, which makes her seem stand-offish and part of the Westminster bubble, and Liz Kendall uses far too much brown sauce which causes her to pull a vinegar face. Mary Creagh put hers in her handbag and took it home.

“Meanwhile, Andy Burnham’s being trained by John Prescott so make sure you’re at least 20 feet away when he gets going so you don’t get covered in bits.”

Political analyst Julian Cook said: “The contest will be won by whoever eats their sandwich in an aspirational way. Like everyone else, I have no idea what that means.”

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Beach breaks ruined by refugees’ unbreakable human spirit

BRITISH tourists on the Greek island of Kos are having their holidays spoiled by refugees’ stubborn desire to live.

Hard-working British people expecting a relaxing week in the sun are instead being confronted with bedraggled figures stumbling from the sea thanking God for allowing them to live one more day.

Norman Steele, from Darlington, said: “I’m trying to get a sun tan while reading a Ken Follett novel so I can’t have any distractions.

“And the children, all of whom have this really weird thousand-yard stare, put my wife off her dolmades even more than the dolmades did.”

Steele’s wife, Alison, added: “Why travel all this way just to be miserable?”

Sabah Zedan, who fled Syria, said: “The triumph of the human spirit over adversity can be terribly annoying for other people.

“I promise I will join in with the next drunken chorus of Sweet Caroline while trying not to think of my broken homeland.”