SEPP Blatter has confirmed he has quite tremendously huge testicles.
The FIFA president placed the twin distended spheres on a dais, to the spontaneous applause of paid supporters, and said he must remain in post simply to do them justice.
Blatter said: “Do these look like the joy-onions of a quitter to you?
“Corruption in FIFA? These gigantic plums prove that I knew nothing of it and that I am delighted it’s being rooted out so my reign of unimpeachable honesty can continue.
“Did you see them swell when I said that?”
UEFA president Michel Platini said: “I went to his office to demand his resignation, and he just held up his hand and bade me watch the small objects – an ashtray, car keys, a small statue of Ronaldo – orbiting slowly around his vast gonads.
“How can we stand against them? They will crush us all.”
Blatter added: “When I’m re-elected – not if, when – this afternoon, I will confirm that the 2026 World Cup will be held in North Korea for reasons that are none of your business.
“Who would dare? A guy packing these bad boys, that’s who.”