New Grand Theft Auto lets players feel ashamed about using prostitutes

THE latest game in the Grand Theft Auto series will allow players to pay women for sex and then deal with complex feelings of shame.

New in-game footage shows a player picking up a street-walker, performing sex acts behind a skip full of rubble and broken printer parts, then sitting alone in their car weeping.

The sophisticated game engine stops players from functioning normally in relationships while a Lust meter creeps up and sends them back to the prostitutes to begin the cycle again.

A spokesman for GTA developers Rockstar said: “We’ve used the latest motion capture technology so you can really see the thinly-veiled disgust on the hooker’s face as she has sex with you.

“This is followed by a slo-mo sequence where your expression collapses from momentary euphoria into profound self-loathing, all to the soundtrack of 50 Cent’s P.I.M.P.

“We’ve chucked out all the stuff about racing cars, robbing banks and shooting the police, because when did you ever hear a gamer talk about that shit?

“Players can still kill prostitutes, but that kicks off a creeping insanity subgame which replaces every character model in the game with the victim’s bloodied face.

“It eventually disables all movement controls except ‘curl into a ball and scream’.”

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People with ginger hair urged to stop saying it's strawberry blonde

A RELUCTANCE to embrace gingerness is fuelling anti-ginger prejudice, it has been claimed.

In a bid to reclaim the moral high ground, pro-ginger campaigners have urged everyone to drop the ‘dark blonde’ thing.

Ginger person Emma Bradford said: “Every workplace has at least one ginger denier, who reckons they are strawberry blonde.

“What does that even mean? Strawberries are pretty much crimson, certainly they are not the colour of Robert Redford’s hair.

“Just embrace the ginger. Sun tans are for reality TV idiots and the carrot is the one vegetable that pretty much everyone likes.

“Also it’s high time we reclaimed the term ‘ginger nut’ and used it as a positive. It’s a classic biscuit with the perfect amount of rigidity for dunking.

“There are lots of great ginger role models. Mick Hucknall, Lindsay Lohan, Ed Sheeran.

“Ok I admit those are patchy. But how about that bloke from Homeland? He’s cool plus he got to pork Claire Danes.”

24-year-old Stephen Malley admitted having described himself as ‘dark blonde’: “Eventually I had to tell myself that when a colour gets darker it does not also get more orange.”