Next Bushtucker trial to trap Farage in Schengen Area

AN upcoming Bushtucker trial will force Nigel Farage to endure confinement in a free-movement agreement between 27 Eurozone countries.

The task, planned to confront Farage with his greatest fears, will see the former UKIP leader fighting through swarms of happy Europeans as they promiscuously travel across one another’s borders without so much as a passport check.

A spokesperson for I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! said: “The Schengen Area is Farage’s kangaroo anus. He’ll be vomiting uncontrollably in seconds.

“His face will grimace and twitch in disgust as he watches mobs of EU citizens crossing between countries as if it was normal. And just wait until we dump a bucket of asylum-seeking migrants right on his head. Then you’ll see him squirm.

“Ant and Dec will be at the side, pointing out the free movement of people, goods and money that horrifies him, saying ‘And they’re all using the same currency Nigel’ while he heaves. They’ll even offer him a 90-day Schengen visa, knowing he’d rather die than accept it.

“All the stars will be placed in locations he abhors, like under a burgundy passport or in Brussels. Hope his campmates don’t mind beans and rice for dinner because, like in every by-election he contested, Nigel’s bringing home f**k all.”

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Why we should have tax cuts that benefit me personally and nobody else, by a whole bunch of twats

TOMORROW’S budget statement is rumoured to contain tax cuts, but will they save you money or are they politicised bullshit? A group of twats give their views: 

Julian Cook, aged 49, consultant

“If Hunty wants to help Britain, he must eliminate inheritance tax. It’s punishing aspiration, families and high-earners with elderly parents who haven’t put their f**king house in trust even though I told them to bloody ages ago. He must act now. Spring would be too late. I can’t see them lasting Christmas.”

Norman Steele, aged 52, owner of printing business

“There’s only one way for the Tories to turn this around: no corporation tax on business income below £300,000, a threshold that coincidentally my business is just under. That’ll free up capital to invest in vital business stuff, like a BMW M4 or a jetski.”

Margaret Gerving, aged 70, retired headteacher

“It’s got to be the triple lock. We pensioners are the backbone of the country. We won the war, or if not the war the World Cup, so all money should automatically come to us then we’ll decide who can have our spare change. If it doesn’t happen I’ll go even more right-wing than I already am, which is very right-wing indeed.”

James Bates, aged 30, manager of the Ugg store in Covent Garden

“There’s literally only one tax cut the entire British people is crying out for as one, a cut that would put the Conservatives 20 points ahead in the polls ready to storm the next election, and that’s offering VAT-free shopping to tourists. God, the transformative effect it would have on this country. It would be like night and day.”

Boris Johnson, aged 59, newspaper columnist

“What does every sovereign citizen of these scepter’d isles own beyond doubt? More than mere property or possessions? They own their stories, their narratives, the thread of their very lives. Yet still ordinary, decent Britons writing their memoirs are taxed like mere profiteers. All autobiography profits should be exempt in perpetuity.”

Tom Logan, aged 34, street drinker

“Money off booze. Everyone likes a bit of booze. Make the booze cheaper and we’re all laughing. I would plough the extra money into a bottle of Tolstoy.”