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Colleague's tits suddenly bigger

A WOMAN who has been absent on medical leave has return to the office with, to her co-workers’ surprise, significantly larger breasts. 

Colleagues of Sophie Rodriguez are not sure how to broach the subject of her enlarged bosoms while feeling that it would be rude to say nothing.

Data analyst Tom Logan said: “Right. Thought it was a weird time for a holiday. Should we send a ‘congratulations’ card around, or what?

“I’m aware that commenting on a size of a co-workers’ boobs is frowned upon in these Me Too times, but you don’t go up to what we’re conservatively estimating is a D-cup and expect it to go unnoticed. Is ‘I think it’s great you’ve done that for yourself’ too polite?

“But cosmetic surgery’s not a new hairstyle. And I fear saying ‘ooh, I see you’ve had your jugs done, and just in time for bikini season’ might have me up before HR.”

Campaigns manager Helen Archer agreed: “We can’t ignore it entirely. She’s had to have her chair adjusted and I dread to think of her photocopying. But saying ‘Love your new massive badonkaidoinks, how much were they?’ seems inappropriate, even at lunch.

“Perhaps I’ll just motorboat her on the next night out. That should break the ice nicely.”

Jeremy Hunt to personally garrotte the chronically ill

THE chancellor has announced he will personally execute the 2.6 million people on long-term sickness benefits to reduce welfare spending.

Jeremy Hunt, who makes his autumn budget statement tomorrow, told media that every person suffering from a serious illness is a malingerer holding him back from making tax cuts.

Wearing black leather gloves and tensing a length of piano wire between his fists, Hunt continued: “It’s hardly a change of policy. If these people don’t realise we want them dead they haven’t been paying attention.

“We’ve tried cutting off their food or heat. We’re refusing them access to medicine. We’ve exposed them to COVID. But stubbornly, and against Britain’s best interests, they refuse to die.

“They have pushed us too far. Know that if you have an incurable illness or a hidden disability, I am coming for you. As you sit through assessment interviews, I will watch from the shadows. As you lie in debilitating pain, I will wrap a cord around your neck.

“As a compassionate Conservative, I will make it quick and painless. It is, after all, an act of mercy. And once the first million are done, I can eliminate inheritance tax.”

The press conference was then cut short when Mr Hunt, in a sudden rage, beat a man to a bloody pulp for walking with a limp.

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