Cow delighted to be killed to make a big coat for a goth

A YOUNG cow has been excited to learn she will one day become a trench coat worn by a goth, it has emerged.

Three-year-old heifer Bluebell was thrilled to overhear that her hide will be repurposed after she is slaughtered to become a flowing coat worn by a moody man who exclusively listens to Cradle of Filth.

She said: “I thought I was only destined to become a few hundred burgers and loads of pints of milk, so transforming into a trendy piece of clothing is a real bonus.

“Ideally I’d magically metamorphose like a caterpillar into a butterfly rather than getting shot in the head with a bolt gun. I’ve just got a hunch that would be more fun for me.

“I shouldn’t be picky though. The only thing horses can aspire to is a pot of glue, which is much less glam. With any luck I’ll be whisked off to dingy second-hand record shops and the odd graveyard when my time comes.”

Goth Wayne Hayes said: “I’m already looking forward to pairing Bluebell with my creased Joy Division T-shirt and rank body odour, before finally losing her in a shit metal night’s cloakroom.”

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Five late autumn days out that will make you wish you'd stayed at home

AS the misery of autumn gives way to the desolation of winter, there are plenty of awful days out to be endured. Including these ordeals.

A country walk

Enticed by the thought of frost on the grass and the brisk seasonal air, you’re tempted to venture out into the countryside for a five miler this weekend. Don’t. It’s f**king baltic out and the frozen, muddy ground will twist your ankles. Google ‘wintery scene’ instead and you’ll get the gist, minus the risk of being gored by a bull as you cross a field in the dark.

Early Christmas shopping

You might think it’s a brilliant idea to get a head start on your Christmas shopping by hitting the high street now, but unfortunately literally everyone else has had the same idea. Prepare to find shelves stripped of everything except the worst, most overpriced tat, before trudging back home and firing up Amazon. And even then you should’ve ordered all your presents in September.

A trip to London

You think you’re a genius for heading to London outside of the school holidays, but remarkably the capital is always overcrowded with hordes of tourists and kids in pushchairs. Enjoy jostling and shoving for the honour of sitting on a sweaty Tube train, then eating al fresco at a bitingly cold Covent Garden restaurant because they physically can’t fit you inside.

A National Trust property

After an uncultured summer spent sinking pints in beer gardens, autumn might feel like the ideal time to go look at a fancy old house. You’ve forgotten, however, that it’s impossible to feel relaxed in a posh entrance hall that’s bigger than your entire flat. Plus the volunteers are ready to boot you out for so much as breathing too hard near an ancient chest of drawers.

A jaunt to the seaside

In the summer, the sea is a stunning and romantic sight. In winter, it’s a visual metaphor for the futility of existence. It doesn’t help that all the nearby shops are closed for the season, making it feel like you’re walking through a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Enjoy eating an authentic English coast Chinese takeaway in your car.