Men secretly wearing leggings

ALL men are secretly wearing a nice warm pair of leggings beneath their jeans, it has been confirmed.

As temperatures begin to plummet, every single man has covertly slipped on a pair of leggings under their jeans to provide an extra layer of toasty protection from the wind and rain.

Ryan Whittaker from Southampton said: “Who told you? I mean, don’t know what you’re talking about. Leggings are for girls, plus they’re really uncomfortable. I imagine.

“Men insulate themselves by wearing scratchy flannel shirts and thick hiking socks. Not snug cable-knit leggings they have to order from Amazon because they’re too embarrassed to buy them in person from H&M.”

Tom Booker from Hull said: “Okay, it’s true. Even blokes you’d never suspect like Jeremy Clarkson and the Rock pop on a pair of leggings come winter. And to be honest it’s the highlight of the year.

“The fabric feels great. They cup our butts and make them look amazing. The only downside is they make it a bit awkward to go for a slash. As usual though women are worse off, it must be a nightmare going for a shit in a jumpsuit.”

Housewife Donna Sheridan said: “So that’s why my leggings mysteriously reappear in the spring with the waists blown out.”

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Six name changes your teenage band went through

ALL teenage band names follow the same humiliating trajectory. Here are the six stupid changes yours went through.

The profound first name

Heavily inspired by single-word band names like Oasis and Blur, your bedroom band idly flicked through the dictionary before settling on Inhale. You believed it made you sound all edgy and mysterious, but your mum thought it was a reference to how you lived in a posh part of Cheshire called Hale where footballers live.

The eco-conscious name

Following the explosive popularity of The Arctic Monkeys on MySpace, you shamelessly decided to copy them with a similarly eco-conscious name. Woeful efforts like See Lions and Ozone Slayer were mercifully rejected, as was The Desert Foxes once you realised the unfortunate historical implications. You settle on Furvana, which in your misguided opinion was great.

The controlling influence name

As lead vocalist and guitarist, you thought you should have final say on the band’s name. Sadly the world of music does not work like that. While you might be the only moderately talented member holding this passion project together, you use the drummer’s dad’s van to drive to your bi-monthly gigs in the British Legion. So you have to go along with his idea for a name: Hebblethwaite.

The psychedelic name

Having spotted someone scoring some acid after one of your gigs, you decide it’s time for your band to embrace Eastern religions and open its third eye. This results in the shameless Beatles rip-off name Brigadier Harrison’s Pink and Purple Teacup Factory. A record deal strangely fails to materialise and your keyboard player drops out to join a covers band on cruise ships.

The back-to-reality name

People don’t want faux-Eastern-mysticism, you rightly deduce after a three-month gig dry spell. This leads you to going to the other extreme and copying the likes of Pavement and The Raincoats by coming up with names like Bus Shelter and Manhole Cover. These don’t raise your profile either, and you start to wonder if you need to write good songs to be a successful band.

The final name

Final in that it’s the last name you decide to use before quietly abandoning your musical dreams and getting a job as an estate agent. Just make sure you wipe every trace of your failed ambitions from the internet or it will be really embarrassing when a colleague stumbles across your demo tape on YouTube.