Nobody enjoying alternative Christmas playlist

AN alternative Christmas playlist filled with credible indie artists performing cool festive songs is being enjoyed by precisely nobody.

The carefully-assembled playlist includes largely unknown tracks by The Killers, Kate Bush, Sufjan Stevens and Bob Dylan, and has been agreed by all the attendees at a pre-Christmas get-together to be ‘f**king shit’.

Lottie Phelps said: “I would have said I couldn’t think of anything worse than hearing that bloody Slade song again. Until this.

“Julian Casablancas, The Knife, Phoenix, Low, Eels? I like the bands but please stop. I can’t believe I’m saying this but get that Leona Lewis one on. Compared to these dirges it’s a tune.

“Like a lot of things around this time of year, the sentiment is wonderful but what we’ve actually received is a load of unwanted shite. Put aside your 6Music pretensions. Play the classics.

“And Fairytale of New York’s on it? That can’t be an alternative Christmas song, because it’s actually good.”

Host Tom Booker said: “You don’t understand. I can’t play those other songs. I used to work in retail.”

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Woman furious at being rejected by man she does not fancy

A WOMAN has been left seething with rage after she was rejected by a man she does not find attractive.

Sophie Rodriguez was outraged when her idle flirting was rebuffed by Tom Logan, a colleague who she had previously described as ‘the living embodiment of gross’.

Rodriguez said: “Read the room, mate. I was pretending to come on to you at the post-work drinks for a laugh. I don’t actually think your goatee is sexy, I was doing you a favour by making you look good in front of the other guys.

“So for you to gently remove my hand from your arse and tell me you feel there is more of a friendship vibe between us, well, that’s just taking the f**king piss.

“You’re a short, rotund IT consultant with a cheap suit and psoriasis and I’m the hottest person you’ve ever met in real life. How dare you tell me I’ve had enough to drink and offer to call me a taxi?”

Tom Logan said: “While Sophie might be best-looking woman in the office, she’s also a total bitch who enjoys playing mind games. I can do way better than her.”