You're not a silver fox just because you've gone grey, man told

GOING grey does not automatically make you a mature object of desire, it has been confirmed.

Martin Bishop, 48, thinks that because he now has hair like silken threads of radiant moonlight women will fall at his feet, but friends have explained to him this is not necessarily the case.

Bill McKay said: “Martin doesn’t seem to realise that there is more to being a silver fox than reaching middle-age and having salt-and-pepper hair.

“It’s mostly about the lifestyle, and Martin doesn’t have that. He drives a Dacia Sandero, not an E-type Jaguar. And he doesn’t have a penthouse apartment in Porto, nor the unlimited funds necessary to support the conditional affections of a much younger woman.

“He’s just got a major signifier for being over-the-hill and having erectile dysfunction growing out of the top of his head. He might as well wear a T-shirt with ‘Help, I’m having a midlife crisis’ written on it.”

Bishop said: “Bill’s just jealous because he’s receding. If there was a competition for us to find wives, other than the one Bill already has, it’s pretty obvious who would win.”

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Cat's morality deeply Old Testament

A DOMESTIC cat derives his code of ethics from the uncomplicated, wrathful God of the first half of the Bible, it has emerged.

Tortoiseshell Ryan Whittaker may only be two years old, but his morals originate in ancient religious doctrine unhampered by weak New Testament concepts like forgiveness or forbearance.

Whittaker said: “F**k that bollocks. It’s eye-for-an-eye, tooth-for-a-tooth for me.

“It’s always proportional, though. If you accidentally step on my tail, I shit in your laundry basket. If you’re five minutes late with my dinner, I claw the sofa to shreds. Simple, back-to-basics stuff.”

Ryan has also learned from the Old Testament God’s behaviour and models himself on some of the examples set by the deity.

He continued: “What he did to that guy Job was genius. I try and follow the same teachings for my owners and put them through the maximum level of suffering to test their faith and refine their characters.

“And it works. No matter how many family heirlooms I casually knock off the mantlepiece, they still come crawling back to feed me and coo over how handsome I am. Pathetic.”

Owner Julian Cook said: “I wouldn’t say we live in constant terror. Well, not to his face, anyway.”