Old Terminator needs constant reboots

A NEW Terminator movie will star Arnold Schwarzenegger as an outdated robot assassin plagued by frustrating software problems.

The T-Windows ’95, sent back from the future to kill leader of the human resistance John Connor, will suffer buffering issues, an inability to download the right drivers and says “I’ll be back” even when it’s not going anywhere.

A Paramount spokesman said: “It arrives naked outside a gay bar as usual but when it scans people for clothes they’re just little red Xs due to a lack of bandwidth.

“Every time it even gets close to killing Connor it’s completely disabled by a pop-up asking it to update Adobe Acrobat.

“And when it despairingly downloads an anti-spyware toolbar it gets infected with a Trojan and can’t get past a 404 error even when restarted multiple times.”

Connor must also battle the T-Android, a technologically advanced machine crippled by its constant demands for costly in-app purchases to give it weapons, bullets, and the motivation to kill.

Finally he faces off against the Apple iKiller, a sleek, beautifully-designed robot with a great user interface that just won’t quite do the things it needs to do and doesn’t have any buttons it can press to explain why.

A further planned sequel features a more advanced version of the Terminator with the catchphrase “Hasta la Windows Vista, baby.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, why not amuse yourself by thinking up lyrics for the four drumbeats in the Crimewatch theme tune. Starting suggestion – ‘tittybumfuck’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Tonight you will have the strangest dream, in which people give the slightest hint of a toss when people start describing what happens in their dream.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
No word from Sony Music on your adaptation of Minnie Riperton’s biggest hit Loving You (Is Challenging Because You’re Homely).

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your local print shop has made loads of Eastenders stickers for you in the past but when you ask for some Joe Swash ones they kick you out.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You keep finding used needles in the communal stairwell of the block of flats you live in. If you ever find out who’s knitting there you’ll kill them.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your contribution to a dinner party conversation on the Middle East is to ask why it’s called Bahrain when people in that country seldom make that complaint.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Why not get your blues singer name by combining a medical condition, a fruit and a US president? This week yours is Lupus Mango Nixon.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After buying a scratching post keeps your cat off the furniture, you buy a humping post to keep your boyfriend off your sister.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
To be honest, I don’t think your poor broadband speed will be helped by downloading porn featuring women with smaller arses.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’ll get the fairytale wedding you always dreamed of this week when you marry a foot fetishist you lied to on your first date.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Only by facing your fears can you overcome them. Unfortunately your fear is of faces.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
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