Olivier's bones to play skeleton of Richard III

THE skeleton of Laurence Olivier is to portray the modern-day Richard III in a new play.

Theatre producers have exhumed the great stage actor to participate in a contemporary stage version of Shakespeare’s play, which opens with the king being dug up in a car park.

Impresario Tom Logan said: “Olivier’s portrayal of Richard was legendary, and what’s even more incredible is how similar they look now.

“Even after death Larry remained utterly devoted to his art, forcing his skin and organs to disintegrate so that he would become a skeleton just like Richard.”

Olivier’s bones, controlled by a series of pulleys, will give a largely mime-based performance in the show at the Globe Theatre.

Logan said: “The popular conception is that skeletons’ acting range is limited to being scary.

“But Larry will show us there is so much more to bones – a skull with its jaws operated by bits of string can also evoke feelings of joy, pity, even bemusement.”

However film critic Emma Bradford said: “The problem for Olivier’s skeleton’s career is, what next? Probably it’ll end up taking a high seven-figure sum to play a baddie in an instalment of the Rush Hour franchise.

“Putting actors’ exhumed remains in films can really ruin them for the fans. Look what happened when they cast the long-deceased John Wayne in 1994’s disastrous The Bony Sheriff.”



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Footballers may be intelligent enough to fix matches

FOOTBALLERS have become sentient enough to cheat properly, it has been claimed.

Over 380 matches are affected by an alarming new trend in football where players have managed to think further than the next thing they want to kick, have sex with, or both.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “Traditionally match-fixing hasn’t worked, due to players forgetting they’re meant to lose, bragging to their mates about their bribe or phoning a dodgy bloke in Singapore during the match to tell him he’s just done the cheat.

“Cheating has mainly been leaping into the air whenever somebody walks past or an elbow to the face when nobody’s looking – the kind of stuff you’d entrust to a toddler.”

Far East syndicates have imprinted  the match-fixing concept into the brains of footballers using the Ludovico Method from Clockwork Orange, with players strapped into a seat with their eyes pinned open and a sequence showing an own goal, a wheelbarrow full of cash  and somebody going “Ssshhh” looped for eight hours.

But the FA has defended the idiocy of English players, insisting anyone bright enough to fix a match will be asked to take up cricket instead.

Clubs will also introduce random intelligence tests on players to ensure none become sufficiently self-aware, ensuring the moronic integrity of the game is maintained.

Hayes said: “If players being too rich and too thick to accept bribes hasn’t worked, football may have to face the mammoth task of making them too honest. May God have mercy on us all.”