One-woman Dracula was a bloody stupid idea, say critics

A ONE-WOMAN stage version of Dracula was as bad as anyone imagining a one-woman Dracula would naturally assume, critics have agreed. 

The production, in which a single actress played 23 roles in a complex Gothic novel by using wigs and outfits, was not successful because a single actress played 23 roles in a complex Gothic novel by using wigs and outfits.

Critic Julian Cook said: “Would nobody do it with her? Could she not have called in a few favours?

“Because, innovative use of technology aside, you’re basically watching one small woman talking to herself for two hours like an over-enthusiastic primary school teacher at story time.

“Beside which, I feel the themes of patriarchal dominance, the fetishisation of female purity and the Victorian terror of immigration were undermined by every member of the cast, from Dracula downwards, being the same black woman.

“If this was a one-man show by a sixth-form student who’d alienated the rest of her drama course, I’d say ‘Well done but maybe less ambitious next time?’ £200 a seat in the West End? Bollocks to that.”

Dracula star Cynthia Erivo said: “Right. So you’re saying after this, One Hundred Years of Solitude with hand puppets?”

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Woman on good date has no idea what happens next

A WOMAN who has met a man she does not immediately want to end her date with and never see again has no idea what her next steps should be.

Lauren Hewitt is in a state of paralysed confusion having finally gone on a date with a charismatic, respectful man who she could feasibly imagine introducing to her friends and family.

She said: “He went to the loo. I reflexively picked up my phone to text friends about what a dickhead he is, but came up blank. This is uncharted territory.

“My normal playbook of endure the date, give a shit hug, then block his number is completely useless. Am I supposed to go in for a kiss or ask him to move in with me? Even ChatGPT didn’t know.

“I’m getting this strange sensation too, not the sickening revulsion I normally feel when a date reveals his stepsister fetish or that he’s a big deal on the Andrew Tate subreddit. It’s kind of a warm, good feeling? I’ll have to get it checked out.

“I just need to figure out the logical next move. It’s either ask him if he’d like to see me again, or take off my shoe and bang it against my head. Is that what you do? Why couldn’t we hate each other like in a romcom?”

Date Oliver O’Connor said: “Yeah I’m not sure. At one point she laid her hand over mine for a few heart-skipping moments. That came across as clingy.”