Paxman was doodling sketches of what he would do to Cameron and Miliband

JEREMY Paxman drew dozens of crude sketches of what he would do to David Cameron and Ed Miliband during last night’s TV interviews.

The doodles, which the interviewer scribbled while not listening to the party leaders’ pointless answers, have been hailed by critics as a ‘thrilling parade of cruelty’.

Art historian Helen Archer said: “As Cameron begins it’s a simple assault with a frying pan.

“The number of blows matches the number of times Cameron says that ‘some people choose zero-hours contracts’. So eight.

“But as Cameron moves onto the economy Paxman brings out the toys – a steamroller, a pair of angry Jack Russells and a toilet stuffed with explosives.”

She added: “The sketches of Miliband are less visceral. He is portrayed as an isolated figure about to fall down a hole or be attacked by a large bird.

“They capture the pathetic nature of the subject while preserving the artist’s cool detachment to his many terrible fates.”

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Men get their own bullshit body types

AFTER decades of women being described as being ‘pear-shaped’ and similar, men have been given their own contrived body shapes.

A government spokesman said: “In the interests of gender equality it is time for men to have a crass, superficial way to objectify themselves. Also we hope they will spend money on loose-fitting trousers and flattering maxi dresses.”

New male body shapes include:

* ‘Beach hut on stilts’ – Men with large, solid torsos but unbecomingly thin legs.

* ‘Sontaran’ – Squat, muscular men without necks, good at rugby and mending things.

* ‘Paunchy fox’ – Men with an ‘overhang’ who are improbably successful with women.

* ‘Hard tits cretin’ – TOWIE-obsessed gym addicts with granite hard chest muscles.

Men have welcomed being able to define themselves via physical proportions. Plumber Norman Steele said: “My wife has an ‘hour-glass’ figure but my broad shoulders means I’m more of a ‘clock radio’, so we’re going to get divorced and put the kids into care.

“You can’t argue with body shapes.”