Ask Holly: Do normal 22-year-olds just eat Pot Noodles and catch chlamydia?

Dear Holly,

All I wanted was to be a normal 22-year-old, so I threw away my career as a global pop star heart throb. But it turns out that all normal 22-year-olds do is eat pot noodles, catch chlamydia and dream about being global pop star heart throbs. Have I made a huge error?



Dear Zayn,

You need to spend some time with an old person like my granny. In a crisis she is full of mysterious wisdom like ‘the grass isn’t always greener on the other side’. I used to think this was a metaphor, but then I realised it was because she lets her dog Bilko do his business all over next door’s lawn. Basically she is spouting gobbledygook but going to visit her always makes me realise things could be worse, i.e. I could be spending my days sucking on Parma Violets and soiling myself to Escape to the Country.

Hope that helps,


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Souls of the damned sent to Magaluf

A SHORTAGE of places in Hell means that the damned will be made to party in Magaluf for all eternity.

An outsourcing arrangement between the Devil and the Spanish government means that sinners will have to endure hostile bouncers, foam cannons and strangers vomiting on them for an infinite period of time.    

Satan said: “Some people might think Magaluf is a soft option compared with Hell. I’d suggest they have never listened to Who Let The Dogs Out? for aeons.

“After a few days of constant pounding hangover and itchy STDs from joyless sex with dog-rough strangers from Bolton, most of them are begging to go back to the flaming rectal pitchforks.

“Even the blowjob competitions have them sobbing with self-loathing after a few weeks.”

Sinner Julian Cook said: “I would give anything for a non-alcoholic drink for a few precious moments of not feeling dizzy and nauseous, but unfortunately I did loads of crime when I was alive.

“The drunken injuries are the worst bit. I’ve fractured my skull 114 times now from collapsing while pissed, and if I crash a scooter into a wall I just get brought back to life to do it again.”