Poor sci-fi films are marketing campaign for Star Wars

RECENT poor quality science fiction films were created to make the new Star Wars seem incredible, it has emerged.

The multi-million dollar disappointments were financed and doctored by Disney to dramatically lower viewers’ expectations of anything with spaceships or robots in ahead of December’s Star Wars: Episode VII.

Producer Tom Logan said: “The intelligent, visually impressive sci-fi movies of the last decade, like Inception and Looper, have raised the bar so high that Star Wars films look like a five-year-old repeatedly bashing his action figures together.

“So we stepped in and redesigned the robot in Interstellar to be a mess of hinged dominos, recut Jupiter Ascending to resemble the fevered dream of a dog in Disneyworld, and swapped the script for Chappie for an unused draft of Short Circuit 3: Johnny 5 Rave Party.

“We haven’t done anything with the new Terminator film. We’re confident they can fuck that up on their own.”

Film reviewer Joseph Turner said: “It’s classic marketing, and very similar to the original Star Wars campaign where they financed pretentious, artsy sci-fi movies like Zardoz and The Man Who Fell To Earth.

“If they hadn’t been around to make audiences crave simple, shooty-gun space opera, there’s a real danger they would have recognised Star Wars for the lengthy pseudo-mystical toy advert that it really is.”

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The Mash guide to the iWatch

EVERYTHING you need to know about a thing you don’t need to know about.

Apple boss Tim Cook has unveiled the company’s new watch to a roomful of specially-selected drones. Soon you will buy it.

Here are the facts:

● Looks shit.

● Available in a $10k version that comes with an app for murdering rival oligarchs.

● It’s apparently very good for arranging to meet people for coffee, which is really all that Apple users do with their lives.

● The iWatch tells you everything you need to do throughout your existence, making thinking redundant.

● Costs roughly the same as an impossibly beautiful prostitute, if you want to weigh that up against a watch that reminds you to call work.

● Every 1000th iWatch is possessed by the spirit of a deceased factory worker, which may or may not be vengeful.

● If you watched the launch live online you do not deserve to be alive.

● Your subconscious mind is already constructing reasons why you need it.

● Resistance is futile.