Pope Congratulates Infected Porn Stars

POPE Benedict XVI has congratulated porn stars infected with HIV for their principled refusal to wear condoms.

The Pope said he was proud that committed young people, under pressure from the liberal media establishment, had continued to have unprotected sex for money in front of a video camera.

In his latest Papal encyclical, Benedict said: “The modern world is gripped by many vices but surely there is none so insidious as the immoral pressure placed upon pornographic cinema performers to engage in rubberised sexual intercoursing.

“To sheathe the organ in advance of genitising it into the female beholement is to deny the divine truths upon which our entry into heaven is constructed.

“Praise should be offered unto those who remain true to the pillars of faith when they are being filmed, over and over again, in pursuit of a thunderous ejaculation unfettered by secularism.

“They are truly the naked, thrusting warriors of the one true church.”

The Pontiff added: “All those of the faith who feel troubled by this issue need simply ask themselves – would not Jesus have wanted to see full-on, unrestricted cum shots? I can assure you, he totally would have.”

Vatican theologians have also claimed that in addition to the clear moral imperatives, the liberal media should support unprotected sex in the adult entertainment industry, insisting that porn condoms are a form of censorship.

Julian Cook, professor of comparative theology at Reading University, added: “Pornography has always been a tricky one for the Church. While the Pope is generally opposed to any form of non-reproductive adult-based intercourse, if people are going to do it on camera for money, he would prefer they did it Catholic-style, regardless of any long term impact on their immune system.

“And of course, the Pope’s view is that if they do catch some fatal disease, informing St Peter that it was the direct result of doing it bareback with a woman named Misty should be enough to get them through the door.

“Catholicism is nothing if not logical.”

 

 

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In eight years, Hitler managed to gain and lose an empire that
stretched the breadth of Europe, while in the same amount of time you’ve
just about managed to paint your bathroom. Even taking into account all
the bad Nazi stuff he’s still better than you.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Just in case you’re wondering, since you gave up smoking, cigarettes still make you feel like you’re stood over the barbecue of Zeus.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you feel justifiably pleased with yourself after helping to organise an immensely complex mass escape from a prisoner of war camp, involving tunnels, pommel horses and men depositing dirt through the bottom of their trousers. One thing though, when some big, fat Gestapo officer says ‘good luck’ to you, ignore the fucker.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re given a £10,000 bonus and the rest of the week off from your job as a scriptwriter after you suggest the child character in your soap should speak like an adult for comic effect.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you are asked to leave the X Factor after dressing up like a black and white minstrel. Cheryl Cole is such a racist.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Mrs Robinson, are you trying to seduce me? Because that would be top fucking notch.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week prepare for your first prime minister’s question time as leader of the opposition by changing absolutely everything about yourself.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Donald Pleasance. He’s dead. No he’s not. He’s dead. No he’s not. He’s dead. No he’s not. He’s dead. No he’s not. Donald Pleasance. There, that’s saved you 90 minutes next Halloween.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If a picture paints a thousand words then why can’t I paint you? Alright, can I cover you in bees instead? What about Nutella? Or Fairy Liquid? Maybe some cat poo?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you discover that you’re one of those people who think Britain should jolly well have a Tea Party movement of its own. You should set up a website and fill it with your thoughts. Oh go on.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week don’t be afraid to experiment with something new and
different, such as shutting up about your fucking job for five fucking
minutes.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my
bicycle, I want to ride it where I like. Which obviously makes me a better person
than you.