Queen becomes new face of Iceland

QUEEN Elizabeth II has been unveiled as the new face of frozen food retailer Iceland.

The announcement follows the 86-year-old monarch’s appearance at the Olympics opening ceremony pretending to jump out of a helicopter with James Bond.

A spokesman for the retailer explained: “We never thought she’d be interested, but after seeing her in a hokey action film parody we thought it would be worth a go, and it turns out she’s up for whatever.

“Cuts in royal funding have made the Queen rethink her media strategy and her attitude towards Mini Banoffee Bites.

“That’s why Ma’am goes to Iceland.”

The forthcoming Iceland adverts will portray the Queen as being fed up with foie gras and quails eggs, and gagging for cheap sausage rolls.

She puts on a balaclava and clambers down the chimney of Stacey Solomon’s house, where a working class party is under way.

The spokesman said: “The ironic twist is that Fergie has already stolen the party platters after infiltrating the party as a waitress.

“But the Queen throws her crown –  like a kind of royal ninja shuriken star – and the spiky bits stick in Fergie’s back, dropping the greedy ginger Duchess like a sack of potatoes.

“Stacey and the Queen bond over Fergie’s painful demise and have a laugh together over mouthfuls of reasonably-priced brown food.”

Other Queen-based media concepts currently in development include reality TV show The Only Way Is Balmoral, a pop collaboration with Calvin Harris and getting the Queen to play one of her ancestors on Horrible Histories.




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Olympic village Cash4Gold outlet overwhelmed

THE first few days of the Olympics have seen business booming for the capital’s newest branch of Cash4Gold.

Athletes from across the world have been flooding in to have their precious medals melted down into precious metals in exchange for a bundle of tenners right in their hands.

Branch manager Carolyn Ryan said: “As soon as we hear the national anthems coming from the stadium we get ready.

“Most of them get their money and hit the bars, but any Greek and Spanish winners go next door to The Money Shop and send it to their governments.

“We haven’t seen many Brits yet. Mark Cavendish walked in here all cocky at the weekend and said he’d be back first thing Monday morning, but instead he was taking his flashy carbon-fibre bike to Cash Converters over the road.

“And you don’t get that much for bronze unless there’s a lot of it, so Rebecca Adlington’s joined forces with the Bulgarian weightlifters to nick a statue which is either a gorilla, Boris Johnson, or what Boris Johnson would look like as a gorilla, down to the official Olympic scrapyard.”

Lord Coe, chairman of London 2012, said: “None of this is happening.

“The stadiums are full, G4S have done a superb job providing security, the key hasn’t been lost, nobody is dying of dehydration and reports that the stadium has been built on a sacred Viking burial ground are entirely false.”