Chinese swimmer's flippers and blowhole suspicious, says top official

SOME Olympians may be heavily-disguised animals, it has been claimed.

The 16-year-old Chinese swimmer Ye Shiwen, who smashed records in the 400 metres medley, was last seen heading out to sea at speeds of over 80 knots with her coach on her back.

Olympic official Roy Hobbs said: “We’d hesitate to accuse a young girl of cheating when she’s achieved something so special, but we do need to take a look at her blowhole at some point.

“A younger swimmer can often improve dramatically over a short period of time without recourse to mindbendingly strong steroids but even the strongest attack of puberty doesn’t usually cause somebody to start communicating via a series of clicks and squeaks.

“I’m not being cruel about her looks, she’s far prettier than Frankie Boyle. But when a search of the changing rooms reveals a bucket of sprats and a zip-up rubber costume with a human face, something has to be done.”

Recent advances in prosthetics have made it easier to disguise non-human athletes. Earlier in the week Australian cyclist Tom Logan was revealed to be a wallaby following a crash.

Logan’s team mate Stephen Malley said: “When Tom hit the ground his face, which had always had strange angles and a rubbery sheen, split open to revel a broad hairy muzzle. However I wasn’t that surprised – absurdly large thigh muscles are par for the cycling course, but hopping and trying to mate with labradors less so.”

Meanwhile, Hobbs has urged Ye Shiwen to return to the Olympic village, saying: “There have been some shady-looking military types asking about her whereabouts. Somebody saw them in a conference room drawing sketches on a flipchart of a stick figure with flippers and a warhead strapped to its skull.”

The practice of entering animals into human events was first recorded at the 1936 Berlin Olympics, when a starting pistol caused British 200 metre runner Tom Booker to leap on his nearest competitor and start biting the man’s neck.

After closer examination, Booker was revealed to be a cougar with a stick-on moustache.


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Danny Boyle to direct world-closing ceremony

TRAINSPOTTING director Danny Boyle is to helm the closing ceremony to mark the end of the world, with Paul McCartney headlining.

Olympics opening ceremony mastermind Boyle has been chosen to direct a multi-media spectacular to mark the End of Days in a specially-built Apocalypse Stadium near Norwich.

It will take the audience on a journey from the Earth cooling and forming a crust, then through the highlights of human civilisation before ending with a rousing rendition of The Beatles’ Hey Jude just as the planet explodes.

The End of the World ceremony is scheduled for December 21, which is when Mayan calendars predict Armageddon will occur – a theory scientists agree is strongly supported by economic implosion, Middle Eastern crises and the popularity of the Channel 4 series Embarrassing Bodies.

Boyle said: “It’s the end of the world, a once in a lifetime occasion – this isn’t a time for negativity.

“This is going to be a mega night with the planet’s history encapsulated by Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, dancing animals and Lisa Kelly from Ice Road Truckers.

“To add to the excitement, the world will not actually end until the last chorus of  ‘naah-nah-nah nah-nah-nah-naah’. In theory the final calamity could be deferred by hours, maybe days, depending on how Sir Paul’s throat holds up.

“Obviously it’s a intimidating challenge, but at least we’ll all be destroyed before the papers have a chance to slag it off.”

Music critic Tom Booker said: “When I heard the end of the world was coming my heart sank because I knew what it meant – Sir bloody Paul McCliché and his grand piano trundled out for bloody Hey Jude. Why not one of his more obscure tunes like Maybe I’m Amazed or Temporary Secretary?

“I suppose we at least ought to be grateful it’s not Robbie Williams doing Angels. Mind you, where are your angels now, eh, fatso?”

However, a local authority spokesman said that Sir Paul’s performance would have to end by midnight, otherwise the plugs would be pulled.

He said: “By-laws are by-laws, no exceptions.”