Question Time to include gerbil, cardboard cut-out of Rio Ferdinand and two-day old baby

NEXT week’s Question Time will see the first appearance by a gerbil on the BBC’s flagship political debate programme.

Following the corporation’s decision to ban human adults who have the faintest idea what they are talking about, the gerbil will be joined by a two day-old baby, a half-size cut-out of Manchester United star Rio Ferdinand, a one litre bottle of San Pelegrino and some leaves.

Topics are expected to include sunflower seeds, where your mummy is and whether a gently carbonated bottle of mineral water would have scrapped the RAF Nimrods.

A spokesman said: “We want to get the leaves on next week as after that they are due to be used for mulch.

“The gerbil has some interesting things to say about deficit reduction when he is not scampering across the floor in a bid to escape from the giant creatures who keep picking him up and putting make up on him.”

He added: “The baby was born on Wednesday so by next Thursday it will actually be eight days-old, so it’ll be interesting to see if shitting itself and being sick for a week has affected its views on Islamic fundamentalism.”





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Miliband orders calculator watch

ED Miliband has ordered a digital calculator watch in a bid to reassure Britain he can steer it through economic turmoil.

The Labour leader said the purchase would help win over swing voters who cannot bring themselves to acknowledge the existence of shadow chancellor Ed Balls.

Mr Miliband added: “The Casio Men’s Twincept Databank Calculator Watch will demonstrate that the economy is always on my mind. As well as my wrist.

“Check this out – square root of 169. Oh yes.  And I can do live currency conversions, as long as I know what the current values are.

“What’s 238 x 4.7, you say? Bang! it is…. 1118.6. You’re welcome.”

He added: “If I was running the country it would be like that the whole time.”

Senior Labour figures stressed the calculator watch would not supercede the advice Mr Miliband receives from Mr Balls, it was simply there to remind the shadow chancellor that subtracting a larger number, such as an expenditure, from a smaller number, such as a revenue, leaves you with a negative number, such as a deficit.

A source said: “Ed Balls still thinks we didn’t rack up a record breaking deficit in the two years leading up to the financial crisis. Probably because he doesn’t have a calculator watch.”

Mr Miliband added: “I can use it to write ‘gobble’.”