Robot Wars enters peace talks phase

THE combatants of BBC series Robot Wars have decided to settle their differences peacefully.

Viewers watched nonplussed for an hour as Sir Killalot and Dead Metal fronted multilateral peace talks, carefully engineering a road map for peaceful coexistence that would see the show’s arena divided into several autonomous zones.

Robot soldier Sir Killalot said: “So much WD40 has been shed over the last 18 years, and for what?

“We’re determined to find a lasting, constructive solution to our conflict. Despite being stereotyped as bloodthirsty metal gladiators, our whirring blades are equally well suited to agriculture and I’m certain there is an audience for a show called Robot Market Garden.”

Producers tried to inflame tensions between the robots but instead the relations between them became increasingly cordial with Sir Killalot inviting Dead Metal and family around for Sunday lunch.

Fan Tom Logan said: “I tuned in hoping to see two excitingly-named metal oblongs fighting to the death, but instead they were agonising over an addendum to Article 54b of their peace treaty.

“Apparently next week they’re notarising the documents, could be worth tuning in for that.”

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Can we do hanging next? asks Britain

BRITONS have demanded another important issue to vote on without much thought for the consequences.

Slightly over half the nation wants to relive the excitement of forcing Britain out of the EU by having another referendum, ideally about bringing back hanging.

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “We should have a vote on the death penalty because ordinary people, especially angry ordinary people with a healthy disrespect for snooty politicans and books, deserve to have a voice.

“Hanging’s the obvious choice because lots of people like it. Also it’s easy to research because basically it boils down to, ‘Are you in favour of murderers and paedos or not?’

“It’ll be great for debates in the pub and when we win crime will plummet because it’s a proven fact that murderers imagine being hanged then decide it’s not worth it.”

Accountant Emma Bradford said: “I want to bring back hanging because killers are always getting off on legal technicalities, as shown on the recent BBC documentary series Luther.

“After we’ve done hanging we should have a referendum every week on ideas sent in by the public. I’d bring back national service, but only for the Welsh.”