Neighbourhood traumatised by uncovered knees

LOCALS are coming to terms with having seen their neighbour’s weird knees over the weekend.

Wayne Hayes, from Stevenage, went to the shops and later cleaned his car, during which time he subjected his neighbourhood to his oddly-angular and pearl-white limbs and joints, without any advanced warning.

Neighbour Nikki Hollis said: “One minute I was clipping the hedge in my front garden, the next minute the world seemed full of pale, knobbly flesh and I fainted.

“If you imagine stretching a thin slice of turkey across a misshapen potato, then it rolling around a barbershop floor, you’re not even vaguely close to the full horror.”

Hayes has now been forced to stand in the middle of the pond at his local park, at a safe distance from decent people, until summer ends on Wednesday.

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France condemned as petty, jumped-up country obsessed with protecting its borders

FRANCE hates foreigners and thinks it is better than neighbouring countries, it has been claimed.

After British holidaymakers were left queueing in Dover, France was widely condemned for its divisive and childish attitude to the transit of foreign people and goods within Europe, which is making life needlessly difficult for everyone.

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “What sort of place adopts such a pernickety, isolationist attitude?

“This is absolutely typical of the French, with their bloated national pride and weird belief that they are some sort of world power.

“As part of a modern, globalised economy, you’d think they’d be less obsessed with superficial geographical boundaries and tired notions of patriotism, instead adopting a more liberal approach to the ‘outsiders’ who are in fact bringing them skills and money.”

He added: “My wife’s just had to urinate into a tropical flavour Oasis bottle.”