KNEECAP may have said a few controversial things but at least they aren’t going to embarrassingly croak out Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? Clearly these acts should be banned instead.
Olivia Rodrigo
The nearest Olivia has come to a scandal is being accused of plagiarising Taylor Swift songs. Most people rightly don’t care, but to insanely loyal Swifties that’s much worse than anything Kneecap has done. The problem is that Rodrigo just doesn’t deserve the Sunday night slot, so if she does want to kill Tory MPs, now would be a great time to mention it.
Rod Stewart
Rod is a pretty uncontroversial chap, to the extent that the most interesting thing he’s done recently is build a f**k-off massive model railway. But that’s very much the point: he was on the razz in your gran’s day, now he’s boring and should retire. As a car collector, Rod could voice his support for the twats who cut down ULEZ cameras with angle grinders, and the Glasto ‘legends’ slot could be given to Kylie again.
Kaiser Chiefs
If still hanging around 15 years after your peak was a crime, Kaiser Chiefs would be found unanimously guilty. Sadly it’s not, but they do regularly predict a riot, which is surely inciting civil unrest. Their absence would be a welcome break for festivalgoers and would also confirm the suspicions of tabloid readers who think Glastonbury is a hotbed of revolutionary communists like Jeremy Corbyn, rather than just a painfully expensive middle-class jaunt.
The Bootleg Beatles
The Beatles released their last album in 1970, well over half a century ago, but some people are unable to let them go and the only way to hear them live now is tribute bands. It’s like insisting the Ford Cortina was the best car ever and then making one out of cardboard boxes and tin foil and pretending to drive it around. They should voice their support for 60s far-left terrorists the Weather Underground, have all their gigs cancelled and let everyone move on.
Nile Rodgers and Chic
Nile Rodgers and Chic seem to have played at every single festival every year for the past 15 years. Obviously they’re great fun and make people off their faces on lager and sunstroke feel even happier, but God they must be knackered and dying for a rest. All they need to do is piss everyone off with a controversial phrase – ‘Oooh, ah, up the Ra’ would do – add a funky guitar lick, and they can escape the entertainment industry once and for all.
Snow Patrol
Though they are the blandest band imaginable, Snow Patrol somehow remain ubiquitous, and Chasing Cars has become a kind of musical trigger phrase that tells the listener: ‘Start feeling melancholy now.’ The fact that they are still performing and on the Glastonbury line-up is a minor act of terrorism in itself. Start lobbying to have them removed before they make more innocent people depressed.
