Rowling Unveils Plan To Have All The Money

BILLIONAIRE author JK Rowling last night told a New York court that she would very much like to have all the money there is.

Rowling, creator of the Harry Potter series of lunch boxes, has launched a legal action against some poor people whose money she wants to add to her own

The author is also demanding worldwide rights to the word 'potter' and any combination of the letters 'h', 'a', 'r', and 'y'.

Rowling said: "When I started out, I was a single mum on benefits, writing in a café because I couldn't afford to heat my home. Even so, I didn't care about money.

"But now I do. A lot. And it's brilliant. If you get the chance you should buy yourself an estate, set aside an acre or two and build a fort out of money. Then you can pretend to be the Queen of Money.

"And of course, if you're the Queen of Money it means you have to have all the money. 

"In fact, I'm going to buy that old café and fill it with money so that when people walk past they'll say, 'that's where JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter and now it's full of her money'."

Rowling said she had worked hard for her fortune, adding: "I invented the concept of wizards and wrote down a lot of words. At one point my fingers got terribly sore.

"But now other people want to write down words about the words I wrote down and then say the money they get from that is theirs and not mine. I don't think so."

Rowling has also warned the manufacturers of oven-fired ceramics that their days are numbered.

"Either change your job title to 'pottists' or give me my money." 

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I've Got A New Toothbrush, Declares Upbeat Brown

GORDON Brown yesterday moved to combat Britain's mounting economic woes, announcing he had bought himself a new toothbrush and that it was absolutely terrific.

As latest figures show a record fall in house prices and a further dip in high street sales, the prime minister insisted his new toothbrush was probably the best thing he had bought this year.

Mr Brown also dismissed rising fears over the global credit squeeze, adding: "It's not electric. I don't believe in that sort of thing.

"But it does have these little knobbly bits on the top for cleaning your tongue.

"I don't think it matters, particularly, what brand of toothpaste you use. What's important is to get the right brush. And with this one, all the fundamentals are there.

"Strong bristles, an attractive colour scheme and a sturdy but comfortable handle, again with some knobbly bits for extra grip."

He added: "And it cleans my whole mouth, not just my teeth and I think that's something we can all be proud of."

The prime minister is expected to show off his new toothbrush when he meets bank chief executives later today.

A Downing Street source said: "He wants them to feel reassured, so he's going to give them a look at it. It is really nice, so we've all got high hopes.

"Did you know that it cleans his whole mouth, not just his teeth? Isn't that marvellous?"