Scottish Conservatives announce Tory T in the Park

THE Scottish Conservative Party has announced that they will hold a Tory T In The Park to rival Tory Glastonbury.

The festival will combine the alcohol intake, casual violence and general indifference to music of a typical T In The Park with the values that have made the Scottish Conservatives so successful.

Stephen Malley, Tory MP for Fife North East, said: “We’re still talking tops off, lagered up, dancing to the Prodigy regardless of if they’re actually performing or even on the bill.

“But we’ll bring to the party a powerful hatred of the Yes vote, nationalism that’s UK-centric rather than just Scottish, and of course our traditional xenophobia.

“Expect lots of metal bands, drugs at pharmaceutical standard, and approximately 130,000 neds being converted to lifelong Tory party support.”

Regular T In The Park attendee Bill ‘Big Billy’ McKay said: “Aye, Tories, right enough.

“It’s no a problem for me. I’ll headbutt anybody.”