FROM Bohemian Rhapsody to Stairway to Heaven, the world of classic rock is littered with self-indulgent, pompous crap. Here are some examples.
Led Zeppelin: Stairway to Heaven
‘There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold/ And she’s buying a stairway to heaven’ – two lines in and it’s already mumbo jumbo. And of course there’s the obligatory self-indulgent guitar solo. It was 1971 and there were a lot of drugs kicking around, but that’s still no excuse for the Zep’s mystical fairy bollocks.
Queen: Bohemian Rhapsody
Pseudo-operatic twaddle you’ll lose nearly six minutes of your life to, which at least gives you time to try – and fail – to work out what the f**k they’re on about. Spawned a godawful Queen film in 2018. And without this early hit, we may never been blessed with later masterpieces like Fat Bottomed Girls and One Vision.
Lynyrd Skynyrd: Freebird
Features possibly the most famously overblown guitar solo in history, drawling vocals and repetitive lyrics. We got the message ‘This bird you cannot change’ the first time round, thanks. Belongs right at the top of rock’s steaming pile of historical pomposity.
The Eagles: Hotel California
Anything even remotely related to country music needs strangling at birth, and this tedious, incomprehensible dirge is no exception. No one has ever had a clue what it’s about, especially the line about the ‘warm smell of fajitas’ or something. Although if it’s the Eagles, you can safely assume it’s drugs.
Metallica: Nothing Else Matters
Heavy metal and heartstring-tugging introspective ballads are as advisable a mix as Prince Andrew and your teenage daughter’s birthday party. Lyrics about being honest with your inner self and expressing your deepest feelings barked out with a voice like Brian Blessed with laryngitis is a combination best avoided.
Guns N’ Roses: November Rain
Not a terrible tune, it’s the ridiculous video which is the dealbreaker here. Axl Rose marrying a sexily-dressed, generic ‘hot babe’ model in church is laughable enough, but Slash belting out a squealy guitar solo in the middle of a prairie is extra-mature heavy metal cheese. Somebody should have pointed out the need for an amp for authenticity, but it was probably already beyond salvation.