We'll have sex every day, new couple promises

A COUPLE who have been going out for three weeks have pledged to continue having sex every day for the rest of their relationship. 

Annoyingly lovestruck Jack Browne and Sophie Rodriguez have undue faith in their sex drives remaining consistently high for years and decades to come, making them unique among the human species. 

Browne said: “This isn’t just the honeymoon period. We’re totally different to every other couple who let petty things like childcare, stress and revulsion at their own physical deterioration get in the way of sex. We’ll be different.

“Nothing will come between us. I’m assigned to my company’s Glasgow office next month while Sophie’s in London, but we’ll easily overcome minor challenges like that. I’m sure she’ll be happy to go halves on my massive train fare to meet her every day.

“I just know 24 hours on this earth won’t go by without us shagging. I’ll never find sex with Sophie a bit samey and start fantasising about her friends. It just doesn’t happen.”

Rodriguez said: “Cynics have pointed out I said the same thing about my last boyfriend and we were like brother and sister after a year. Jack’s totally different, although I quite fancy just eating biscuits in bed tonight. No, no, it’s too soon. Forget I said that.”

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'Boris [redacted] while drunkenly [redacted] with [redacted]': A sneak peek at Sue Gray's report

CAN’T wait for Sue Gray’s report to drop? Get a taste of what it contains with this heavily-censored preview.

15 May 2020

The one where the Johnsons and Cummings were in the No. 10 garden. Ha, that sounds like the title of a Friends episode! Actually my favourite one is where Joey finds his identical hand twin. Okay, that’s filled a bit of space. Better get back to the parties.

20 May 2020

The infamous ‘bring your own booze’ party. If you were there you’ll know this was where Boris [redacted] while drunkenly [redacted] with [redacted]. Which is actually pretty impressive seeing as he was only there for 25 minutes. He was so [redacted] he put his [redacted] in [redacted]. Guests said it was [redacted] and they felt sick.

19 June 2020

Johnson’s 10-minute birthday party. Although as the philosopher Nadine Dorries pointed out, is a slice of cake with your tedious colleagues actually a party, or is it a painful yearly ritual inflicted on office workers? Anyone who’s had a workplace bash will agree it’s the latter. That’s good enough for me. Next.

November 2020

The truth is, shitloads of parties went on around here. Even that secret [redacted]-fuelled one with [redacted]-themed strippers the public doesn’t know about yet. But the rules were slightly ambiguous at this time so who cares?

18 December 2020

The period of Christmassy cheese and wine events. While the public spent the cancelled festive period home alone, Tory MPs and staff got together to enjoy miserable-looking platters. Luckily Allegra Stratton took the bullet for everyone like a good sport so we don’t need to dwell on these events any further. Plus I’m reaching the end of my word count.

16 April 2021

There were leaving events on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral. Notice how I didn’t say ‘parties’, even though everyone got hammered and they had to fetch extra supplies of booze in a suitcase. And someone left a [redacted] in the [redacted], which is something you only see at wild parties.

In conclusion, none of this matters because the police who turned a blind eye to all the [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted] are taking over the investigation. Hope that helps.