Morrissey sends angry open letter to Morrissey of 1983

MORRISSEY has launched an extraordinary broadside against his 1983 self, the lead singer of The Smiths.

After recently writing a similar ‘open letter’ to guitarist Johnny Marr, Morrissey has decided it is the ideal medium to convey his pomposity and unwavering sense of self-importance.

He alleged 1983 Morrissey was insufficiently anti-EU and had said unkind things about Margaret Thatcher, who talked a lot of sense, actually. He also accused his 1983 self of being too skinny and ‘flaunting your hips like a lady of the night’.

The letter read: “My mother always said ‘Don’t speak ill or the devil take the hindmost’ but I look at you and you’re a disgrace to sad, celibate losers in bedsits.

“I see you cavorting onstage with that dreadful, publicity-seeking little man Johnny Marr and that awful lefty group The Smiths, waving gladioli when you should be waving the Union Jack. 

“You sicken me with your depressing, stuck-in-the-50s, ‘I’ve got no friends’ schtick and hearing aid. A f**king hearing aid. Jesus, that was laying it on a bit thick.

“Thank goodness I got out of The Smiths. We all know my solo albums like Years of Refusal, Low in High School and I Am Not a Dog on a Chain will be remembered for decades, in fact centuries, after The Smiths are utterly forgotten.”

Morrissey of 1983 responded by sending an open letter to Johnny Marr telling him to give 2022 Morrissey a smack in the face.

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'A jury of ordinary people will empathise with my billionaire private island paedo friendship'

PRINCE Andrew is convinced that if he can just lay out the facts about his billionaire private sex island paedophile friendship before a jury, they will understand. 

The Duke of York believes a jury of 12 good men and true will empathise with his humble jet-setting Royal lifestyle and will accept that he is not guilty of all charges even if he technically is. 

He said: “I’m hoping for a jury of blue-collar ordinary working Joes from Long Island. Salt-of-the-earth types who’ll see that really I’m the same as them. 

“I’ll explain – or rather my lawyers will, I’ve been forbidden to take the stand – that I quite simply enjoyed Epstein and Maxwell’s company, and never found it suspicious they were always hanging around with attractive teenage girls unrelated to them. 

“I’ll admit that yes, I enjoyed being flown on a private jet to a private island, much the same as they might be impressed when a buddy gets a new pick-up truck. And yes I visited Epstein after his release from jail, just like they might stand by a buddy arrested for drink-driving. 

“We’ve all been let down by friends, haven’t we? Whether it’s a work chum performing badly on the bowling team or a lovely couple turning out to be sex traffickers. The jury will get that really I’m the victim in this.” 

He added: “I hope none of them want to go for a beer with me afterwards. I am ninth in line to the throne, you know.”