Could you survive a year going out with Carrie Johnson?

THE PM’s latest lie came about from helping Carrie’s chum Pen Farthing rescue dogs from Kabul. So could you survive going out with high-maintenance Carrie? Play our interactive game.

1. Carrie wants you to get involved in her latest obscure cause that doesn’t merit government time, Save The Javanese Vomiting Otter. Do you give your support and send two aircraft carriers to evacuate the otters (go to 5) or decline (go to 3).  

2. Carrie says it’s time to redecorate. She wants the living room ceiling removed to make space for an 18-foot gold statue of her and you. She’s also got her heart set on some antique wallpaper from the court of Louis XVI. It all comes in at £10 million. Do you wearily email a party donor (go to 8) or tell her to get a bloody grip (go to 3).

3. Bugger. You’re in the no-sex spare bedroom. For a compulsive shagger like you this is hell. You won’t be doing this again. You’re even starting to wonder if it would be wrong to ask Dilyn if he’s up for it. Go to 4.

4. You’ve wasted so much time on stuff like endangered otters and holidays you do a speech for business leaders with zero preparation and make a complete arse of yourself. The gag ‘I’d boff Peppa Pig until she oinks!’ somehow does not go down well. Do you have a rethink (go to 6) or carry on obliviously (go to 2)?

5. You are a laughing stock. Luckily most of your backbenchers and ministers are spineless yes-men, careerist turds or loony Brexiters who want to nuke Belgium. You should easily get away with this. No sweat, as Prince Andrew might say. Go to 7.

6. You turn over a new leaf, rein in your unfunny larking about, and start taking the job of prime minister seriously. No, just kidding. As if that would ever happen with an egotistical chancer like you. Haha. Go to 7.

7. It’s your birthday, ie. an excuse for Carrie and her young mates to have a piss-up. You’d prefer a bottle of red and a nap in your study but she’s persuaded someone to give her a free £400 cake. Do you tuck in (go to 8) or skip it as you might get Covid anyway (go to 3). 

8. Shit. The press has got hold of the story. Well, the press didn’t do any actual journalism, they just got a text from Cummings, Sunak or some other malcontent. But the Sun, Mail and Times have turned against you and so have your gutless MPs. Go to 9

9. You refuse to resign, but it’s just prolonging the agony. Better see what’s worth nicking from Downing Street and brace yourself for the divorce papers from Carrie. Probably a good idea to do plenty of shagging and offset your losses a bit.

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Why allowing people to still wear masks is the worst kind of government oppression

By anti-masker Norman Steele

THE latest guidance from this government making it no longer compulsory to wear masks is a sickening fascist move that should go much further.

Sure, the government masquerades as libertarians. But if they truly believed, like us anti-maskers, that people should do as they please and not be taken in by made-up stories of viruses somehow flying through the air – it’s hilarious when you think about it! – mysteriously infecting people, here’s what they should do:

Ban masks altogether. 

Send armed squads, dressed in black for the purposes of identification, onto buses and trains, and into schools and hospitals. Anyone caught wearing one of these liberty-denying face cloths of oppression will have it torn off their face and face a stiff prison sentence.

Tell everyone the war against ‘Covid’ is over and we have won.

No one should be allowed to wear masks in a truly liberated society any more than Germans should have been allowed to go around waving swastikas after World War 2. I think that’s an entirely reasonable and tasteful comparison.

As for vaccines, now that they’re no longer needed – as if they ever were, except to oppress us brave free thinkers! – the same scientists who worked on these mind control drugs should be made to create an antidote for them. With compulsory injections for everyone so they can think clearly again.

Confused? It’s all perfectly straightforward, unless you’re a brainwashed sheeple. The day of enlightenment is at hand and victory for Piers Corbynism is near!