THE intrigue is merely a distraction from the couples you’ll be imagining getting together on Celebrity Traitors tonight. Here are some matches that will definitely work.
James Acaster and Jerry Hall
Reports are already swirling that James Acaster is buckling under the strain of taking part in Celebrity Traitors. Could it be the burden of keeping a treacherous secret, or is it due to sexual tension with 1970s supermodel Jerry Hall? He’s a gangly wreck at the best of times, but maybe he’ll pair nicely with the cool 70-year-old stunner. It’s just a fact that opposites attract.
Hannah Fry and Ross Kemp
A modern take on Romeo and Juliet’s star-crossed lovers. Flame-haired Fry with her flair for numbers. No-haired Kemp with his knack for playing one character. They shouldn’t work together but they do. It’ll be difficult to focus on them as they try to suss out the Traitors – you’ll be too busy thinking how brainy and hard their bizarre-looking children will be.
Bella Ramsey and Michael Sheen
Steady on, you sputter. He’s 57 and she’s 23. You’re pretty progressive and all but even you draw the line at certain age-gap relationships. Then you remember that he’s already going out with a 30-year-old so this wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. It’s not icky if the celebrities in question are generally likeable.
Miranda Hart and Joe Lycett
An obvious one but only because it feels so natural. These camp, larger-than-life comedians are so similar that shipping them requires minimal mental effort. In fact you’ll start to wonder if they’re even separate people, or if they divided like an amoeba at an early age and have only just been reunited. Maybe they’ll physically merge into their final, complete form in the finale, which will be a memorable TV moment.
Richard E Grant and Amol Rajan
The thinking mum’s bit of slash fiction. There won’t be any romantic sparks on the surface between the Withnail & I star and the University Challenge presenter, but therein lies the erotic tension. You mum will be able to project her lust for both of them onto each awkward hug and lingering glance. It’ll be like Pride and Prejudice, only better because it’ll have snazzy editing.
James Blunt and everyone
His self-deprecating wit and charming accent will create instant chemistry with any contestant he’s talking to. Not just the ladies, either. King Kenny, Rob Beckett and James will become an unlikely throuple when they coquettishly chuckle at his jokes over breakfast. Maybe, if you sit extra close to the TV, he’ll work his charm on you too. A man can dream.
