SINCE the dawn of Channel 4, man has flicked over to arthouse cinema because it was 11.45pm and it might have shagging in. These films let you down:
Roman Polanski film featuring a French actress who is established from the start to be a nymphomaniac. Nothing is done with this riveting news, no matter how long teenage boys sat in front of the telly with cushions strategically placed on their laps.
Three Colours: White (1994)
You span the wheel of colours with this trilogy, and came up short. Three Colours: Blue at least has brief nudity. Here there’s barely an affair, and you’ve watched an widely-acknowledged classic for no bloody reason at all.
Sex, Lies and Videotape (1989)
Promises not only sex but reruns of it with liberal use of the pause button, causing many a teen to mentally circle it in the Radio Times. Then they’re up until 2am watching a quirky indie relationship drama with no sex and frankly not that much videotape.
My Own Private Idaho (1992)
Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix as gay hustlers? Send the parents to bed and let’s explore our sexuality. Except bugger all happens, the only nudity’s in still photos like the Windmill theatre in wartime London, and it’s based on A-level text Henry IV. Now you’ve gone and learnt shit.
Paris, Texas (1984)
German director, sultry poster, Nastassja Kinski working in a peep-show. This time, you said to yourself, this time for sure there’ll be some steamy action. Instead a shambling man in a suit trudges through beautifully-shot American landscapes. How you still got yourself off is anyone’s guess.
Blue Is The Warmest Colour (2013)
The absolute jackpot. Three hours of two French girls in very physical love, and one of them is James Bond’s wife. But there’s so much of it, and it goes on so long. It’s approaching 3am and they’re still banging away so call it a night.