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Six serious arthouse films you only watched because it was late and they might have sex in

SINCE the dawn of Channel 4, man has flicked over to arthouse cinema because it was 11.45pm and it might have shagging in. These films let you down:

Cul-de-sac (1966)

Roman Polanski film featuring a French actress who is established from the start to be a nymphomaniac. Nothing is done with this riveting news, no matter how long teenage boys sat in front of the telly with cushions strategically placed on their laps.

Three Colours: White (1994)

You span the wheel of colours with this trilogy, and came up short. Three Colours: Blue at least has brief nudity. Here there’s barely an affair, and you’ve watched an widely-acknowledged classic for no bloody reason at all.

Sex, Lies and Videotape (1989)

Promises not only sex but reruns of it with liberal use of the pause button, causing many a teen to mentally circle it in the Radio Times. Then they’re up until 2am watching a quirky indie relationship drama with no sex and frankly not that much videotape.

My Own Private Idaho (1992)

Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix as gay hustlers? Send the parents to bed and let’s explore our sexuality. Except bugger all happens, the only nudity’s in still photos like the Windmill theatre in wartime London, and it’s based on A-level text Henry IV. Now you’ve gone and learnt shit.

Paris, Texas (1984)

German director, sultry poster, Nastassja Kinski working in a peep-show. This time, you said to yourself, this time for sure there’ll be some steamy action. Instead a shambling man in a suit trudges through beautifully-shot American landscapes. How you still got yourself off is anyone’s guess.

Blue Is The Warmest Colour (2013)

The absolute jackpot. Three hours of two French girls in very physical love, and one of them is James Bond’s wife. But there’s so much of it, and it goes on so long. It’s approaching 3am and they’re still banging away so call it a night.

The teabag should be used sparingly: how to make the worst brew possible

MAKING a good cup of tea is a fine art, which means there are lots of ways it can go wrong. Create the worst brew possible with these tips:

Choose your teabag

Don’t splash out on high-end pyramid bags, go for Co-op’s own-brand shit. If possible, leave them in the back of your cupboard for a few years until they lose all taste. If you’re feeling brave, use Earl Grey or mint teabags instead. Only the hardcore should mess with the disgusting flavour of rooibos tea.

Get the temperature right

Gas-powered catering urns found in takeaway vans outside football grounds can produce water hot enough to leave your tongue singed and unusable for weeks. If accessing one isn’t possible, go straight for room temperature water. It’ll taste refreshing.

Grab a mug

Preferably a novelty mug with a handle so small you can barely grab it with two fingers. Make sure you haven’t washed it for a few days either. Like a wok, an unclean mug will retain the essence of its previous outings and deliver a deep, seasoned flavour that tastes horrible.

Monitor the brewing time

Less is more. Hold the teabag about an inch above the water, and think carefully about putting it in. The reflection of the bag in the water alone usually delivers the perfect strength. Dip it in for a fraction of a second if you absolutely must, nothing longer.

Pour milk

Whether plant-based or dairy, find a way to make the milk almost go on the turn. Not properly gone off with lumps bobbing in it, that would be undrinkable. You’re looking for sour enough that it will leave a faintly tart aftertaste with every sip.

Offer extras

If you’re entertaining guests, go the extra mile and leave a small deposit of silt in the bottom of their mugs. Was it a ripped teabag? Limescale? A nasty bit of gunk the dishwasher left behind? Keep them guessing.