NOT enough news happens each week to fill a local paper dealing with a dull Midlands town. That’s why they lose their shit over these boring stories:
Changes to speed limits
Editors will spike a political scandal if a juicy scandal about a country lane bumping up its speed limit lands on their desk. The increase from 40mph to 60mph will dominate the front page, complete with a tortuous pun of a headline and a blurry photo of the speed limit sign. Readers will be genuinely enthralled.
Small drugs bust
It would be understandable for a local newspaper to cover a story about a drug-smuggling kingpin getting busted in their area, but this never happens. Instead they have to make do with police seizing a single bag of low-quality skunk from a teenager, who they will make out to be the next Pablo Escobar.
The closure of a small-town Indian restaurant will be handled with all the tact and reverence of an episode of Hell’s Kitchen. Hacks will speculate whether it went bust due to an infestation of plague rats or behind-the-scenes money laundering, when in reality the owner simply decided to piss off back to Hyderabad where there are fewer drunk twats.
Every year on results day, papers dedicate a ludicrous number of pages to students celebrating their below-the-national-average GCSE and A Level grades. Girls will be photographed jumping for joy, boys will be roundly ignored, and journalists will churn out column inches because all their mums and dads will be buying the paper.
The weather is an endless source of fascination to local papers. Temperate days will be referred to as ‘scorchers’, while a blustery shower will be held up as evidence of catastrophic climate change. Seasonal change catches them by surprise each year, and if it snows before press day the editorial will be the written equivalent of going off in your pants.