The boring-as-f**k stories local newspapers lose their shit over

NOT enough news happens each week to fill a local paper dealing with a dull Midlands town. That’s why they lose their shit over these boring stories:

Changes to speed limits

Editors will spike a political scandal if a juicy scandal about a country lane bumping up its speed limit lands on their desk. The increase from 40mph to 60mph will dominate the front page, complete with a tortuous pun of a headline and a blurry photo of the speed limit sign. Readers will be genuinely enthralled.

Small drugs bust

It would be understandable for a local newspaper to cover a story about a drug-smuggling kingpin getting busted in their area, but this never happens. Instead they have to make do with police seizing a single bag of low-quality skunk from a teenager, who they will make out to be the next Pablo Escobar.

Restaurant closure

The closure of a small-town Indian restaurant will be handled with all the tact and reverence of an episode of Hell’s Kitchen. Hacks will speculate whether it went bust due to an infestation of plague rats or behind-the-scenes money laundering, when in reality the owner simply decided to piss off back to Hyderabad where there are fewer drunk twats. 

Exam results

Every year on results day, papers dedicate a ludicrous number of pages to students celebrating their below-the-national-average GCSE and A Level grades. Girls will be photographed jumping for joy, boys will be roundly ignored, and journalists will churn out column inches because all their mums and dads will be buying the paper. 

The weather

The weather is an endless source of fascination to local papers. Temperate days will be referred to as ‘scorchers’, while a blustery shower will be held up as evidence of catastrophic climate change. Seasonal change catches them by surprise each year, and if it snows before press day the editorial will be the written equivalent of going off in your pants.

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Hair will naturally clean itself, says woman who stinks

A WOMAN who believes her hair will clean itself naturally is unaware that it smells disgusting.

Emma Bradford has not washed her hair since April because she thinks it does not need shampooing to stay clean, and pretends not to know that her locks now have the odour of a wet dog.

She said: “Hair is self-cleaning, just like cats and ovens. If I lathered so much as a drop of conditioner into it, I’d f**k it up beyond repair.

“Instead my scalp looks after my hair by pumping out natural oils. Sure, there was a brief phase where it felt a bit dirty and my boyfriend left me out of disgust, but now my hair’s got a lustrous, greasy sheen.

“And by shunning all the harsh chemicals in hair care products, I get to feel like a progressive eco-warrior. I don’t even buy deodorants, no matter how many times my friends beg me to use them.”

Tying up her hair in a lank, straggly ponytail, she added: “I say I don’t wash my hair for the environment, but it’s mainly just to have something to talk about at parties. Not that I get invited to many of them anymore.”