Six songs that suggest the artist is a massive twat to go out with

A SURPRISING number of songs contain the message ‘Don’t go out with this twat’. Here are some tunes the artists thought weren’t weird at all… 

Whole Lotta Love, Led Zeppelin

Imagine you’re about to have great sex with charismatic rock star Robert Plant when he suddenly says ‘I’m gonna give ya my love, I’m gonna give ya every inch of my love’. CRINGE OR WHAT? You’d spend the rest of the evening worrying he’s going to get a tape measure out. 

Hello, Lionel Richie 

Jesus, in-song Lionel is really needy. ‘Tell me how to win your heart, for I haven’t got a clue’ he bleats, before mentioning ‘in my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times’ and wondering if she’s shagging someone else. Creepily, this appears to be the first time he’s spoken to her: ‘But let me start by saying, I love you.’ So a sweet love song or a warning not to get involved with clingy oddballs? Definitely the latter.

Obsession, Animotion

Catchy 80s hit in which the singer freely admits he’s obsessed with a lucky lady, before outlining a mare’s nest of psychological issues, eg. ‘Who do you want me to be, to make you sleep with me?’ Answer: Someone a bit more normal.

Blurred Lines, Robin Thicke

Criticised for the naked models and not-very-romantic lyric ‘I’ll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two’. A catchy tune and slick production don’t disguise the fact that Robin is an old-school sexist who thinks he’s got a big knob and all the ladies are ‘gagging for it’. In real life he’s probably that pissed bloke in a bar saying things like, ‘Suck me cock, love, it’s a peach.’

Candy Shop, 50 Cent

‘I’ll let you lick the lollipop’ offers Fiddy. Which is great if you want to go out with a grown man with the mind of a smutty 12-year-old. Also contains some equally stunted nonsense about ‘Got the magic stick, I’m the love doctor’. A song with all the sexual maturity of Spinal Tap’s Sex Farm Woman: ‘Getting out my pitchfork, poking your hay.’ And that was a spoof.

I’m On Fire, Bruce Springsteen 

‘Hey little girl, is your daddy home? Did he go away and leave you all alone?’ Lots to worry about there. However her date is more interested in dad: ‘Can he do to you the things that I do?’ Now he’s bragging about his sex skills while deeply misunderstanding the father-daughter relationship. And is he challenging your dad to a shagging competition? The mind boggles.

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Sometimes you have to know when to quit with dignity, ghost of Hitler tells Johnson

THE ghost of Adolf Hitler has advised Boris Johnson that sometimes you need to know when you are beaten. 

The shade of the former Führer has risen from the underworld to suggest to the prime minister that vowing to fight to the very end is all well and good, but take it from him, it is not always the best course. 

He continued: “Come on, my blond-haired friend. You know I wouldn’t mislead you. Even my enemies would agree I’m a pretty straight-talking kind of guy. 

“You know what? Sometimes you have big plans and they go wrong. I know how it is. I dreamed of a thousand-year Reich and what did I get in the end? 12 measly years. Then there was all that nastiness at the end.

“From one wannabe World King to another, sometimes you have to cut your losses. If I could have quit the bunker and written columns for the Telegraph I would. 

“Remember when we were watching Scarface during our last movie night? Remember how he ended up? I didn’t choose that movie by chance. I hoped maybe you could learn from it.” 

Johnson said: “Normally Hitler talks good sense, but resign? Just when I’m on the brink of turning this around and winning the next election in a landslide?”