DUP adds customs checks to 'dinosaurs' and 'gays' on 'Things That Don't Exist' list

AFTER the decision to stop customs checks on goods entering Northern Ireland, the ultra-conservative DUP has added the NI Protocol to its long list of things it does not believe in. 

The minister of agriculture, former DUP leader and young earth creationist Edwin Poots, ordered officials to halt checks on goods entering the province that were introduced following Brexit, which he vocally supported.

Speaking after the resignation of Northern Ireland’s first minister Paul Givan over the matter, Poots said: “The DUP prides itself on not compromising our beliefs over such petty things as international protocols and facts.

“The Northern Ireland Protocol has been a disgrace. Thankfully, the DUP have a long tradition of ignoring what some might call ‘real’ reality in favour of our own alternate, and for us, better, reality.

“As such, we’re going to simply pretend that the protocol doesn’t exist – just like we do with dinosaurs, gays, and the civic concerns of Catholics.

“When God created the United Kingdom and put it at the centre of the world 4,000 years ago, you can be pretty certain he never intended for Brexit to turn out like this.”

How adults obsessed with getting kids off screens wasted their childhoods

PARENTS always want their kids to stop looking at screens and do something more worthwhile. But what kind of mind-numbing activities did you waste your own childhood on?

Scalextric

Is dumbly staring at a screen any worse than dumbly staring at a Scalextric set? At least television offers the potential of learning something, whereas repeatedly squeezing a trigger and watching a car fly off a track after 0.3 seconds only teaches frustration. And possibly lifelong rage that can only be relieved via serial killing.

Prank calling Childline from a phone box

Entertainment options were limited as a child in the olden days, so you had to make the most of the technology available to you, namely a phone box and a free 0800 number. However, having gigglingly listened to it ringing and then hung up the instant it was answered, you didn’t dare try again in case Esther Rantzen came round and shouted at you.

Kicking a ball against a wall

Rather than enjoying high-quality video games, kids had to make do with very basic real life fun such as endlessly booting a football against the side of the house. Well, it was fun for 10 minutes until your mum came out and threatened to belt you for making a racket and damaging the pebbledash.

Playing in dangerous places

Your child has spent four hours playing Roblox in their bedroom today, but at least you know exactly where they are. In your youth, parents would happily wave you off for the day, unconcerned that most of it would be spent playing in a building site or a flooded gravel pit. Count yourself lucky your kids are socially inept computer geeks but alive.

Shit television

You think your kids are wasting their lives watching TV, but at least they have good shows to watch. You had to make do with three hours of CBBC every day before sitting through shit like Howard’s Way and Noel’s House Party. Whose brain has turned to mush here, yours or theirs? You do sometimes have to double-check what year it is…