'Vibe' and other twatty words we're apparently meant to take seriously now

IT’S accepted that language changes and evolves. But that doesn’t mean we should start taking this vocabularic wankery seriously:


Fine when used by A-level art students to describe their crap coursework in the smoking area. Unacceptable when used by adults who mean ‘atmosphere’. Patrons of a rough pub will kick your teeth down your throat if you describe their terrifying hostelry or surly, aggressive manner as sending out ‘bad vibes’, and they will be morally right to do so.


A coinage made up by some Telegraph hack for a quick buck. It never took off because it was bollocks. It’s so annoying and clunky the ‘millennial’ back end of the portmanteau looks like finely wrought poetry. Using this word should come with a penalty, preferably the death one.


As in the substance of something, not feeling happy. This word can be blamed on years of undervaluing the arts, so that any creative output is seen as little more than filler material like mattress stuffing. The Mona Lisa? That’s just old content being monetised by French content-provider the Louvre.


Used to describe feelings of offence or resentment, which is uncanny because that’s exactly what you feel when people drop ‘butthurt’ into conversation. Everyone hoped this knuckleheaded word would be confined to Reddit forums and teenage boys, but now it’s in the dictionary there’s no going back. Maybe inventing language was a mistake.


Not too egregious in itself, but it’s a term used by YouTubers, Twitch streamers and Tiktokkers so it needs to go straight in the bin. It wouldn’t be so bad if they were influencing you to support social justice or world peace, but strangely it’s always a sponsorship deal or their latest crappy ‘merch drop’.


It’s gone from a moderately amusing joke to a real word thanks to Talkradio, the Telegraph and suburban fascists’ channel GB News. Used to describe easily offended people, by people who instantly get offended if you suggest Churchill wasn’t perfect in every way. Do some damage limitation by refusing to use it for anything except falling ice crystals.

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Rishi Sunak's multi-millionaire guide to saving energy

YOU don’t end up with as much money as me – around £440 million, minimum – without knowing how to save it! Follow these tips to save hundreds of thousands a year: 

Turn off homes

I know it’s tempting to leave heating and lights on in your third, fourth and fifth homes so you feel wonderfully welcome when you step inside, but it’s wasteful. Just send staff ahead to take the chill away. Obviously this doesn’t apply to your second home. I mean, it’s your second home. 

Be smarter about water

Be honest with yourself: do you really need that rooftop infinity pool? Yes, it was envy-inducing in 2006, but now every sad little dreamer on poverty-porn shows like Grand Designs has one. An elevated glass-bottomed pool over a courtyard or atrium is more efficient and far more ‘now’.

Wear a hoodie over your £2,500 shirt and tie

Working late and feeling cold? Don’t touch that thermostat. Instead pull on a hoodie over your shirt and tie to look stylish and feel toasty. And remember, don’t go barefoot indoors. You’ll keep far warmer wearing grey socks and Ferragamo sliders. 

Turn off ‘vampire’ outbuildings

Walk around one of your estates and you’ll be surprised how many vampire outbuildings housing staff or guests have a little light on showing they’re consuming electricity. It all adds up. Turn them all off and you’ll save pennies a year – a lot of money to you. 

Be bathed

Baths waste water, as do showers. It’s best to stand naked in a large marble-and-gold-leaf tub while a member of household staff carefully washes you with a bowl of perfumed water and a Mediterranean silk natural sea sponge. Streets ahead in terms of both comfort and wastage. 

Glow with the inner radiance of extreme wealth

It’s surprising the physiological effects being wealthier than the Queen can have. I find that even in a room of millionaires I have an inner radiance that leaves me warm and comfortable even when they’re grubbing around hiring helicopters. Just become extremely rich and you’ll never worry about bills again.