Keir Starmer's guide to being the fourth most popular person in the room

DO you wish you could be less charismatic and just kind of blend into the wallpaper? Master of not-making-an-impression Keir Starmer is here with some tips.

Look like a shop window dummy

If you resemble a dummy in a local men’s outfitters modelling cheap office wear, you’ve got the classic Starmer look. It’s even better if you have the same blank, crudely moulded expression as a mannequin and people subconsciously suspect you’re an Auton from Doctor Who.

Copy what other people are doing

I’m cleverly avoiding criticism by supporting most Tory policies. In much the same way, if you’re at a social gathering and people are talking about films, join in but with minimal enthusiasm. People will find it hard to forget an out-there guy whose favourite film is Saving Private Ryan!

Bore your audience 

Even with emotive subjects like Covid deaths, sound like a jaded middle manager reading out unremarkable quarterly sales figures. You could be discussing a drug-fuelled threesome with Emma Watson and Nicholas Cage and listeners should be mentally compiling their next shopping list. Four tins of beans or maybe just two?

Sound fake even when you’re totally sincere

I like to lower my voice creepily and sound extra-intense when discussing something that’s morally wrong or genuinely distressing. It’s off-putting but in a subtle way, like an overwrought but not-totally-terrible amateur dramatics performance.

Be serious

Everyone’s sick of Boris Johnson’s idiotic clowning, so I go to the other extreme of constantly acting as if there’s been a death in the family. It’s important people know you’re a deeply serious person. It can’t be helped if they’d run screaming into a busy road to avoid talking to you.

Drone on about patriotism unconvincingly

Keep saying how great Britain is to the point of obsession, and if you see a Union Jack, stand in front of it. Clearly only doing it to cling onto the votes of xenophobes, mad nationalists and racists will win you loads of respect too.

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I loved the xenophobia and f**king the economy, but I draw the line at parties: A Tory MP explains his resignation letter

I WAS fully behind Boris and his enthusiasm for casual racism and unlawfully suspending parliament. But this party thing really makes the government look bad, so I’ve submitted my letter of no confidence.

It was a difficult decision and I did not come to it lightly. I’ve always believed Boris to be a brilliant politician with a great sense of humour. After all, who doesn’t enjoy a bit of banter about letterboxes and piccaninnies? Such fun.

Despite this, I sadly cannot reconcile the suffering of the British public during lockdown with the activities of those working in Downing Street. It might seem odd, as I am able to reconcile other terrible things easily enough, such as writing off £8.7 billion of PPE procurement errors and £4.3 billion of Covid loan fraud.

But those things are under Rishi’s control, and I love Rishi. In fact, I think he’d be a brilliant prime minister. Did you hear that Rishi? I think you’re wonderful and would be amazing at leading the country. Oh, by the way, I also think I’d be a brilliant cabinet minister. Just something to think about.

But I digress. Law breaking, incompetence, sleaze, destroying the economy and slandering the opposition over Jimmy Savile might seem bad, but they’re not as bad as becoming unpopular and potentially losing me my seat as a Tory MP.

So I have decided the time has come for me to pretend that I have a moral backbone, submit my letter and sycophantically suck up to someone else who might favour me if they get the top job. Sorry, I mean, ‘serve the interests of my constituents who are rightly furious at being taken for fools by the Prime Minister’.