Competition: Define 'levelling up' and win 16,000 terraced houses

MICHAEL Gove here. I have to admit we rushed out ‘levelling up’ without actually deciding what it was. Here’s your chance to fill in the details and win a prize that’s no doubt thrilling for Northern oiks.

What concrete proposals are in place for levelling up so far?

A) Detailed plans to improve education, internet access and public transport.

B) F**k all. Maybe a few Northern towns can be given £150 for a flower display. Actually make it £20. Their huge broods of rat children will just vandalise them.

What would most improve lives in underprivileged areas?

A) Well-paid jobs in high-tech industries.

B) A statue of a famous Northerner, eg. Fred Dibnah, Jimmy Tarbuck, Andy Capp. Or we’ll just send out some plastic Union Jacks. We’re f**king obsessed with that.

What should happen to local high streets?

A) A new investment agency, like the ones the Tories scrapped, should bring in big chain chains and smart new coffee shops.

B) More betting shops so poor families can earn extra cash playing slot machines. Small businesses will be helped with free sheets of plywood for when they need to be boarded up.

What about other places?

A) Yes, it’s easy to forget it’s not just the North that needs funds. Places like Hastings should get money to tackle child poverty.

B) Yes, it’s not just the North. We’ll give the lion’s share of the money to places like Richmond upon Thames, where residents desperately need more private schools and bigger stables for their horses.

Now complete this tie-breaker in no more than 2000 words:

‘Michael Gove will make a fine prime minister, and is not a rancid little runt I’d like to drown in a sack, because…’

What you will win

Choose from any of these wonderful prizes:

● A lifetime’s supply of chips and gravy.

● 16,000 rat-infested Northern hovels.

● A shitty part-time job in a warehouse (subject to availability).

Finished? Send your entry to [email protected]

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Carrie and I need a separate house just for parties: Johnson's lessons learned from the Sue Gray report

I, BORIS Johnson, have vowed before the Commons and the nation to implement solutions to Sue Gray’s findings. Here they are as I understand them:

Carrie and I should have a separate house just for parties

It’s crystal clear in Sue Gray’s report that lines have been blurred between Downing Street as a home and office. The clear solution is for the nation to acquire a London townhouse for our permanent personal and recreation use where we can entertain away from boring paperwork. I am releasing £4,250,000 for this purpose.

Downing Street should have a bar

The drinking culture at Downing Street is not becoming of such a high office. Heading to the off-license with a suitcase? The nation is right to be ashamed. We must rectify the issue by coverting half the building into a bar which opens until 3am nightly. Drinks will be on the taxpayer.

I am overworked

My extreme state of overwork during lockdown left me so distracted I failed to notice at least six parties, and the rest. I will devolve these responsibilities to a new Office for the Prime Minister full of civil servants who can be readily fired.

£100 fines are a suitable punishment

Members of the public who breached lockdown laws, apart from an unlucky few randomly stung for ten grand, were punished with £100 fines. The police should treat me and my staff just as they treated them, without favour or mercy. Other that it remain secret and a Tory donor pays.

I am delivering for Britain

In the back of the Sue Gray update, there were two pages the media claimed were blank. Pifflecock. They were packed with praise about the brilliant job I am doing for this country, and I saw her objective, accurate assessment of the vaccine rollout and my brilliant Brexit and how great I am with my own eyes.