MICHAEL Gove here. I have to admit we rushed out ‘levelling up’ without actually deciding what it was. Here’s your chance to fill in the details and win a prize that’s no doubt thrilling for Northern oiks.
What concrete proposals are in place for levelling up so far?
A) Detailed plans to improve education, internet access and public transport.
B) F**k all. Maybe a few Northern towns can be given £150 for a flower display. Actually make it £20. Their huge broods of rat children will just vandalise them.
What would most improve lives in underprivileged areas?
A) Well-paid jobs in high-tech industries.
B) A statue of a famous Northerner, eg. Fred Dibnah, Jimmy Tarbuck, Andy Capp. Or we’ll just send out some plastic Union Jacks. We’re f**king obsessed with that.
What should happen to local high streets?
A) A new investment agency, like the ones the Tories scrapped, should bring in big chain chains and smart new coffee shops.
B) More betting shops so poor families can earn extra cash playing slot machines. Small businesses will be helped with free sheets of plywood for when they need to be boarded up.
What about other places?
A) Yes, it’s easy to forget it’s not just the North that needs funds. Places like Hastings should get money to tackle child poverty.
B) Yes, it’s not just the North. We’ll give the lion’s share of the money to places like Richmond upon Thames, where residents desperately need more private schools and bigger stables for their horses.
Now complete this tie-breaker in no more than 2000 words:
‘Michael Gove will make a fine prime minister, and is not a rancid little runt I’d like to drown in a sack, because…’
What you will win
Choose from any of these wonderful prizes:
● A lifetime’s supply of chips and gravy.
● 16,000 rat-infested Northern hovels.
● A shitty part-time job in a warehouse (subject to availability).
Finished? Send your entry to [email protected]